Gin and Tonics in the evening after work while I search for jobs. Searched for jobs on Craigslist then realized that it is not a new job that I want but a change. I want to escape reality. I keep having vivid fantasies about running away to live in the woods, or flying away to somewhere new. Been thinking about teaching English abroad. Then I think that maybe I just want to flee the country to escape some unhappiness that resonates deep inside. I am not unhappy generally but I think I feel lost. I always have this desire to escape. I escaped Washington and I love the bay area but something still is not quite right.
I think I seek out male attention to fill some deep void. Is it lack of self esteem? Or am I trying to distract myself from my thoughts?
Why am I putting so much pressure on myself to figure out what I want to do in life? Obviously these things take time.
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