Oh no oh no oh no.... :( You suck McCain

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7588435.stm

McCain picked a female running mate. This is going to make Obama look bad. This is going to be bad for Obama. Shit. I really don't want McCain to win. :( Shit.

Finally Friday has arrived and we will be free again

I'm excited for my 2 day white water rafting trip this weekend. Maybe I will float down the river away from the group and end up lost only to discover a wonderful new world. Yeah ha ha I think that is likely to happen.

Last night I had a strange dream. I dreamt that I talked to an old friend that I don't talk to anymore. In the dream she said that she was in law school. She said that she was being watched by the C.I.A because she was constantly depressed, suicidal, and crazy. It was really morbid. She had slits on her wrists and cigarette burns on her arms.

I went out last night with a small group of coworkers right after work. I had 4 or 5 drinks, stayed out till 9:00, went home, showered, ate something and passed out.

I think the dream was a reflection of my mood. I was in a good mood when I was with my coworkers but when I got home I felt kind of angry and depressed. Drinking does that to me sometimes. All emotions bubble up. I know I need to exercise some self control with my drinking sometimes. We are all a work in progress. I am glad I don't get shit face drunk anymore like I used to. I haven't thrown up in years.

ALL ALONE ALL ALONE

I watched this cheesy movie last night. The plot was: a young woman's husband dies. Before he died he wrote her notes that were delivered to her after his death. The notes include tasks for her to complete, so that she could "find herself again." The mother of the woman at one point in the movie told her daughter "We are all alone in this world and at least we can find some comfort in knowing that we are all alone in it together." I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and the quote was perfect for what I had been thinking about.

I have been thinking that I shouldn't expect things from others. I don't mean that in a really pessimistic "don't trust people sort of way." I just mean we never really know what the future holds, and I am going to need to love myself first and fully before anyone else does or will. This concept is really hard for me to explain. What I think about is really hard to explain. It is not hard to explain because it is complex, but because I don't think I am quite articulate enough to explain thoughts (or maybe because thoughts are hard to explain generally.)

I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is inspiring. Makes me want to travel and inspires me to seek what I truly want out of this life. I love how much she talks about food. I am a big fan of food; it is important. It is life sustaining. I can't really relate to people that don't enjoy or appreciate their food. Especially if it is for cosmetic reasons. Here is what I have to say to you: don't deny yourself girl. Woman are minimized physically by the media as an unconsious effort to minimize woman in general (their power and what they have to say.) Enjoy your food and enjoy taking up space in the world.

I have also been listening to a little bit of the Democratic National Convention on npr in the evenings. I will be so excited if this nation decides to elect the first African American president. :) :) I can't wait untill we get a woman in there as well (someday). Sometimes I feel guilt over not voting for Hillary in the primaries, but Barack is so damn charming and I love his "Change" theme. I am still a Feminist. Obviously voting one way does not mean that I have turned my back on feminism.

Why is it so hard to come back to this place?

4 days off now I am back to work again. I applied for a position at my current employer and my new immediate supervisor (who has only been my supervisor for a month) did not recommend me for the position, because of my slow performance within the last several months. Arrgghh. This really frustrated me for several reasons:
1.) He doesn't know my performance over the past year because he has only been my supervisor for 1 month
2.) I meet all of the criteria for the position
3.) He mentioned one incident where I was pissed off at management as grounds for not being a good candidate
4.) His lack of referring wasn't to actually obtain the position but to be considered among a pool of other applicants

Whateva.

My weekend in Seattle was okay. Short lived. My sister and I were the last ones to leave the dance floor when the wedding ended.

This next weekend I am going white water rafting with Dan. :)
Then the weekend after maybe to Tahoe with the roommates.

BIG FOOT AND I MADE PLANS TO LIVE IN THE SWAMP

Today is my Friday. Hip hip horay! Hip hip horay! Tomorrow night I will be in Seattle.

I feel brain dead right now. Need some of the awful lipton tea that they offer with the cheap disgusting coffee in the break room. Yuck. I am too poor right now to buy good coffee or tea.

I got my application for a new passport in at the post office yesterday. The woman made me go and come back the day before because part of my application was ripped. She was really bitchy about it. I often wonder if people are bitches because their lives suck or their lives suck because they are bitches. It is the chicken or the egg question. I asked O'shaunessy that question one day. He said "I think people's lives suck because they are unappreciative. They expect things from life." I thought about this long and hard. I thought it was true. I thought when my life sucks it is because I am expecting something and not recieving it. Maybe I should just accept life for what it is. I applied for a new passport because I lost my passport. I decided it might be a good idea to get a new one just in case I decide to go somewhere. My passport photos are hilarious. I look kind of drunk or retarded or both.

I am going to hang out with the beautiful Ms. Vu tonight.

Allan's In The Sky With Diamonds

Hung out with Allan last night for the first time in 3 weeks. He looked healthy and happy. We sat on my roof and talked about his trip to Australia. I drank gin and tonics and smoked some cigarettes. He sat there and shivered in the fog. Apparently there are a lot of hipsters in Australia. I thought that was funny. I imagined Australia as only having surfer types. He also said there were a lot of really tall men there. Yummo. Maybe I will go with him someday. :)

Only today and tomorrow, then I have a 4 day weekend with a wedding in Seattle.

Life has been moving along.

Big Foot was found to be a fake. Ha ha ha I still have faith even though I didn't really believe it.

ANOTHER MONDAY

Yesterday I traveled with Dan to Marin to go hiking. In the morning I went to Oakland to pick up my new reading glasses and to meet up with Dan. Then we went to Mill Valley to have lunch at Mama's where one of my coworkers works on Saturdays. It was a cute little diner cafe. We sat outside, drank Bloody Mary's and ate breakfast food. I had a delicious crepe.

We hiked Pine Mountain by Mount Tamalpais. We hiked up to a view of the entire East Bay. The trail was only 4.7 miles but was very steep. As we sat at the top the fog started to roll in around us. We then traveled down the mountain and went to Japantown in the city for a Japanese dinner. What a nice relaxing Sunday to have. Too bad my weekend was so short. This coming weekend will be a long one though. I'm going to Seattle again for my Cousins wedding. I am excited. Weddings are entertaining.

I saw this really strange movie on Saturday night. After Hours. It is a movie from 1985. It was stressful to watch because all these awful things kept happening to the main character. At the end of his crazy night he returned to his mundane job, relieved to be back. The movie cut out after it showed him at his cubicle. It made me kind of sad, but I kind of also enjoyed it. IMDB gave it a 7.5 out of 10.

I talked to Allan for an hour on Saturday night as well. It was so great to talk to him. Missed my old buddy. He said he is going to be back in town Tuesday night. :)

Last week I drank a drink or two or three every night. I guess I was depressed. I kept over eating as well. Need to get back to my healthy routine. Want to feel happy and healthy again. These gloomy days can drag a person down.

Dreams

I had amazing fantastical dreams last night which really surprised me because I was kind of in a funk before I went to bed. I dreamt that I was in San Francisco riding my bike through the city. It was a beautiful warm day. There were lots of beautiful flowers (more flowers than usual) in bloom. I got lost but didn't care and ended up taking my bike on this sky tram to the top of Nob Hill. At the top of Nob Hill I laid out in a court yard in the sun with old friends and talked and laughed. The courtyard looked amazing. I knew I was on Nob Hill but it was different than how it usually looks.

Last night I went out with the boys from work. We got pretty fucked up. We went to several different bars. We took shots. I went home early to pass out since I had to work today. I put my head on his shoulder. He of course chased a myriad of different women all evening. I wanted to tell him that I want to be one of his many, many "lady friends." I wanted to tell him that I don't need to be the only one, but I couldn't. I realized that I always chase the wrong people. The more unavailable the more I like them. I feel stupid. I feel stupid for being cheap and easy. I am not going to be that girl anymore.

GRUMPY

HA HA HA apparently Big Foot was caught. I don't really believe it, but we will see...


http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/08/14/bigfoot.body/index.html

I'm ignoring the phone at work today. I don't feel like talking to people right now. I don't really feel like doing anything actually. I have to work tomorrow. Maybe I will make up for it then. Maybe Maybe Maybe. I feel like my life is filled with maybes. I wonder if I am ever actually going to make a move.

Everyone around me seems to be moving. He comes into work and says he likes going to work everyday. I wonder what is wrong with me? Why can't I find the joy in work? I guess that means it is the wrong thing for me.

Homemade Lentils and Beans for Lunch Yummo!

Applied for a job posted on Craigslist last night. After I searched the job section I decided to look at the community section for hiking groups or hiking partners. I found a post for an individual looking for someone to hike the Pacific Crest Trail with. This is pretty crazy because I had thought about posting an add on Craigslist as well for the same thing. The person stated that they wanted to do a thru hike next year. I don't know if I could afford to take 6 months off but I was thinking maybe next summer I could go with this person half way from Mexico to Oregon. I imagine that it would be difficult and somewhat dangerous to plan and complete the hike by myself.


I was also looking at a graduate program at Mills for Public Policy. You don't have to take the GRE!

Lots of thoughts in my head.

Sometimes I worry that I am too honest. It gets me into trouble.

Gin and Tonics

Gin and Tonics in the evening after work while I search for jobs. Searched for jobs on Craigslist then realized that it is not a new job that I want but a change. I want to escape reality. I keep having vivid fantasies about running away to live in the woods, or flying away to somewhere new. Been thinking about teaching English abroad. Then I think that maybe I just want to flee the country to escape some unhappiness that resonates deep inside. I am not unhappy generally but I think I feel lost. I always have this desire to escape. I escaped Washington and I love the bay area but something still is not quite right. 

I think I seek out male attention to fill some deep void. Is it lack of self esteem? Or am I trying to distract myself from my thoughts?

Why am I putting so much pressure on myself to figure out what I want to do in life? Obviously these things take time. 

I EAT TOO MANY HARD BOILED EGGS

It is sunny here finally!!! The sun makes me happy.

My roommates and I had a party on Saturday and none of my friends showed up. It was kind of disappointing.
At first I thought no one loves me as much as I love them. Then I thought maybe people were busy or maybe they don't like parties, or maybe they forgot or maybe maybe maybe and then I didn't feel as bad.

Mirah has a new album and I bought it. I enjoy it very much so far. Some of the songs are covers of other songs which was kind of a let down at first but I like the covers. I am going to see Mirah in Seattle on the 24th when I fly up for my cousins wedding that weekend.

MIRAH MIRAH I LOVE YOU!!

I kind of don't know what to write in this blog anymore. I run out of things to say to both the Internet and the people around me.

I worry about my social anxiety. At my party I kept running away because I was getting really overwhelmed. I feel like people will judge the things I say.

I don't like going to work, but for some reason I am kind of happy to be back. I miss my coworkers if I don't see them for 3 days.

30 gigs of music

Anxiety, Curtis Mayfield, Apathy, Excitement, Cold Weather. Yams for Lunch.

I don't like flying but I like airports. When I missed my plane last Friday I sat in the airport for 5 hours until the next flight to Seattle. The airport was empty. I laid down on the floor in the sun and listened to the microphones. I read. I relaxed. I wandered. I drank Bloody Mary's and ate salads and sandwiches. I was stressed out and hungover and for some reason the empty airport calmed my nerves. On the plane the anxiety returned.

I need to start applying for different jobs. I can't concentrate at work anymore at all. I am so over it that I end up doing as little as possible and that sucks, because that isn't who I am. I just feel so burnt out.

Check out this article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7544749.stm I thought it was adorable. All he needed was to find "the one."

I love you Seattle

It was wonderful but short lived. I ate seafood everyday, got some sun, saw friends and family. Every time I go to Seattle I remember after forgetting. I always forget how extremely beautiful it is. I took it for granted growing up. When you fly over Seattle all you see is trees and water and mountains. Trees and water and mountains oh my. I missed the chill laid back attitude everyone has in Seattle. I tried during the weekend to remind myself of how sick of the rain I used to get. Rain day after day in the winter used to really depress me.

I saw good friends. Wing is amazing she never fails to entertain. Always upbeat and beautiful. How she does it?- I do not know.
I saw Woodrow, steady reliable Woody.

Washington is such a part of who I am. My friends in San Francisco sometimes comment on how obviously not from the bay area I am.

My parents 60th birthday/26th wedding anniversary party was beautiful. We set up lanterns in the gazebo. There was yummy catered food, a dj, and dance floor and candles everywhere. I think everyone had fun. My dad got really drunk. I like seeing my dad drunk, he gives more hugs. I saw some of my parents friends and relatives that I hadn't seen in years. I reminisced about the good old days.