Tomorrow I will be in Seattle

It seems strange. I haven't been home in 7 months. I couldn't sleep last night. There is a lot of confusing scary stuff in my head today.

I want to be more responsible. I want to be healthy. I want to make decisions that make sense, and take care of myself and show love for myself.


Drinking and sex are not what's up. I don't know that these people deserve me.

WOWZER

Yesterday a coworker read my astrological chart. She stated that my rising and ruling planets were in Scorpio. Therefore I have a lot of Scorpio traits. This is kind of weird because both of my parents are Scorpio's. I read up on Scorpio traits and I would say that I am very Scorpioesque.

SCORPIO::::::::
Intense [5][3]
Powerful [5][3][6]
Determined / tenacious / persevering [5][3]
Emotional / sensitive [5][3]
Calm but seething [5][3]
Reserved / withdrawn [5][3]
Secretive [5][3]
Deep / profound [5][3]
Passionate [5][3]
Loyal / devotional [5][6]
Ambitious [5][6]
Extreme [5][6]
Willful / fanatical [5][3]
Mysterious / magnetic [3][6]
Deeply resentful / brooding / potentially destructive [3][6]
Cunning
Outspoken [3]
Can be unforgiving [3]
Sexual [7]

Yes I am definately identify with being more Scorpio than Aries.

She told me a lot of things that seemed very true, it was weird. She told me that I probably had a very strict father figure in my life, or strict male figures. She told me that I would be good in some type of healing profession, like medical, or social work. She told me that I get along extremely well with Taurus. It is funny because Allan is a Taurus and we totally get each other, he is one of my best friends. I think we will be friends for a long time. She said a good mate would be a Taurus but that Taurus are also good as friends.

LET IT BE

Some people try too hard.

I am not trying to be a bitch, but I am not going to overextend myself at work. It is not worth the stress. There are some new people at work that haven't been here very long that are trying to prove themselves. Here is my message to you: I have been here over a year. I don't need you to come over to me and give me advice on how to generate action plans. I used to be the top performer, then I stopped caring because I realized there was no incentive. This job is extremely entry level so get over yourself. Your micromanaging bullshit will not get you far in life. Let things happen. Let things be.

Some people also try to hard to find love. I have noticed that people come into my life when I least expect it. I see people around me try so hard (and believe me I have done it many times in my life) to get that one person. If that one person was meant to be the one for you, it probably would have just happened by now.

Life is Good

My weekend was interesting to say the least. My perception changed a lot. He wasn't someone I had ever considered seriously before. It happened and it was so natural, like going home. I don't know how to tell him how I feel.  I am weary of being hurt. 

Atheist or Agnostic?

In the beginning of a chapter in The God Delusion the author uses this quote:

"The great unmentionable evil at the center of our culture is monotheism. From a barbaric Bronze Age text known as the Old Testament, three anti-human religions have evolved- Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. These are sky-god religions. They are, literally, patriarchal-God is the Omnipotent Father-hence the loathing of women for 2,000 years in those countries afflicted by the sky-god and his earthly male delegates." -Gore Vidal.

What an awesome quote!!!

I am trying to figure out from reading this book whether I am agnostic, or atheist. He uses a scale in the book. I think I am either a 5 or 6 out of 7. "5.) Lower than 50 per cent but not very low. Technically agnostic but leaning towards atheism. 'I don't know whether God exists but I'm inclined to be sceptical." or "6.) Very low probability, but short of zero. De facto atheist. "I cannot know for certain but I think God is very improbably, and I live my life on the assumptions that he is not there'." HMMMM????

My roommates and I are going to have another party. If you are reading this you are invited. It will be Saturday August 9th circa 9:30 pm. I am excited. There will be alcohol and beautiful people. Need I say more?

Allan's last day at CCCSSF is today. :( Off to graduate school he goes. For some reason I can't come to the realization that he won't be here next Monday. Whose cubicle will I sit in during my breaks to discuss life, love, and economics?

Tonight a bunch of coworkers and I will be going out for drinks after work, we will probably end up at the cellar where they have cheap bottled beers during happy hour.

Life has been good. I have been content. Only 1 week till i will be in Seattle!! I miss my family, my dogs and my old friends.

DUH!! What took so fucking long???

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/07/24/BAKV11UU9F.DTL&tsp=1


What took so long? Maybe it is the patriarchal system we live and the unfair advantage boys receive in school? Huh? Gee I wonder? Duh motherfuckers. I am sorry but I wish articles like the one above would mention these things in them.

If you have any questions please read this book: Schoolgirls:Young Women, Self Esteem, and the Confidence Gap. Here I posted a link where you can buy the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Schoolgirls-Young-Women-Esteem-Confidence/dp/0385425767

I am not sorry if my anger offends, but Jesus fucking Christ!! This is 2008!!! Or is it?

Yellow Hair You Are Such a Funny Bear

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=176740


Thank you Allan for sending me this link at work. This is hilarious and work related!

Blogs are Vain

I finished the Marilyn French novel last night and started The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. I like mixing fiction and non-fiction. I am so happy that I finally got past my reading block. For a month or two I couldn't read anything I would get too distracted. I think I was depressed and could only concentrate on my self loathing. I was also smoking too much for a month or so.

I only got through like 15 pages of The God Delusion last night, but I can tell it is going to be good. I think maybe I am a Pantheist which he describes as: not believing in a supernatural God at all, but use the word God as a non-supernatural synonym for nature, or for the Universe, or for the lawfulness that governs its workings.

In other news I am in total denial that Allan's last day at work is Friday. :( I am proud that he got into graduate school, but this job will suck even more when he leaves. I need to start figuring out what I want to do with my life. UUGGHHH it gets a bit overwhelming sometimes. I have this feeling that things will work out the way they are supposed to, but I also feel like I need to put some effort in to actually get something back in life.

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!

The best movie ever, my favorite movie in the whole world is going to be on the big screen this weekend!!! I have never seen it on the big screen before.


Harold and Maude Dir. Hal Ashby US 1971 + Plays Friday through Monday, July 25 through 28 Fri.: 7:15 and 9:15 p.m.Sat. & Sun: 2:00*, 4:00, 7:15 and 9:15 p.m.Mon.: 7:15 and 9:15 p.m.

The "Dishes" contest entries will be screened at the 7:15 p.m. screening on Friday. Come celebrate the Red Vic’s 28th birthday with one of our most popular films ever. Director Hal Ashby (Being There, Shampoo) takes jabs at motherhood, the military, psychiatry, computer dating, patriotic fever and funerals in probably the most charming movie about death ever made. Much of this modern love story takes place in the Bay Area, and settings include the Sutro Baths, the Marin Headlands and the Emeryville mudflats. Morbid 19-year-old Harold drives a Jaguar converted into a hearse, stages one suicide after another and frequents cemeteries. Ruth Gordon steals the show as the exuberant 79-year-old Maude who teaches him to appreciate life. Playfully grim, this is black comedy at its finest. Starring Bud Cort, Ruth Gordon and Vivian Pickles, and featuring the music of Cat Stevens. (92 min). Did you know Tom Skerritt plays the traffic cop in the movie? (In the credits he is listed as M. Borman.) Also, learn in which scenes you can spot the director and singer Cat Stevens at the imdb trivia page for the movie at: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067185/trivia . Wikipedia says: “The film is number 45 on the American Film Institute’s list of 100 Funniest Movies of all time, and number 42 on Bravo’s 100 Funniest Movies. In 1997, it was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress as being deemed "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant".” (Note: it also made the list of the AFI’s Top 10 Romantic Comedies: http://www.afi.com/10top10/romanticcomedy.html .) Also: “The film was a commercial failure when it was released and the critical reception was extremely mixed. It now has a large cult following.” You can read the rest at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_and_Maude What is “Maudism”? Read about it at: http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/madhayes/maude.html . The Harold and Maude unofficial homepage, where you can check out the film’s Bay Area Filming Locations, is at: http://www.geocities.com/rainforest/5862/harold.htm . The film is justifiably regarded as a classic today. How was it received back in 1971? You can read Roger Ebert’s original review (he panned it) at: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19720101/REVIEWS/201010313/1023 .

SEATTLE IN 9 DAYS!!!

I'm getting really excited to go to Seattle. I will be taking a 4 day weekend August 1st through the 4th. My parents are having a 60th birthday party/25th wedding anniversary party for themselves. They have hired a dj, a bartender, and a caterer. My friends Woody and Wing will be attending. I invited Kwasi as well, hopefully he will come.

My roomates and I are planning a party as well. I think it will be the second weekend in August, that is a lot of partying. Hopefully I will make it through both weekends.

Last night I had weird dreams but now I can't remember them. I used to remember my dreams every night. I want to start writing them down again. I used to write them down in attempt to interpret them.

O'Hennessy (O'Shaunessy) brought his fish to work. Now we have a pet in our shared cubicle. Player (the fish) makes me smile.

I started looking up Marilyn French quotes on the internet. This one is intense. You could replace men with white people and it would still work. “All men are rapists and that's all they are. They rape us with their eyes, their laws, and their codes.”

http://www.slate.com/id/2195690/ Is soy milk better than cow's milk? I like slate, they have good articles.

Whey Protein

I think it's working. I feel like I have more energy at the gym and I think that I am getting a little more toned. Thank you whey you rock my world.

"Whey protein is a high quality, complete protein, with all the essential amino acids. Whey protein is also the richest known source of naturally occurring branched chain amino acids (leucine, isoleucine and valine). These are important for active individuals, individuals who exercise and professional athletes. The body requires higher amounts of branched chain amino acids during and following exercise as they are taken up directly by the skeletal muscles versus first being metabolized through the liver, like other amino acids. Low BCAA levels contribute to fatigue and they should be replaced in one-hour or less following exercise or participation in a competitive event. Many athletes consume a BiPro beverage both before and immediately after exercise or an event to help repair and rebuild lean muscle tissue."

Last Night I watched Iraq for Sale: The War Profiteers. http://iraqforsale.org/ It was pretty good, not real long. Everyone already knows how evil Halliburton is though. I wish they would have provided more history and explanation about large corporations and how they made their way into congress. They pointed out the already existing connections, but I wanted there to be more history. I think it would have made the documentary a bit more interesting.

Yesterday I had to tell a coworker that he could not spend the night on my floor on Friday because and I quote "I don't want to be responsible for you all evening." This guy has a real drinking problem. He was drunk yesterday at work, and drinks at work almost every day. I care a lot about him and maybe I was being too harsh but I didn't want to lie to him anymore about his drinking. I think it is better to be honest with alcoholics.

He is married with a newborn and told me he wished that he could still go out and have fun with his friends. That my friends is exactly why I don't want to get married! I don't want to get married, because I don't want to regret getting married. I also never want to make someone feel as though they have to marry me. I hope I never have to rely on a man for financial support. I hope I never ever have to pick up after a man or cook for him when I don't want to. My biggest fear in the whole world is becoming my mother, stuck in front of a television depressed. I love my mother, but she has no life and it is beyond depressing.

Pop, Drop and Lock It.

So yeah, Saturday night I saw HIM. The boy I had the biggest crush on ever for months and months. He looked adorable, but I didn't feel the same way. I guess I am finally over him. He walked with me to the convenience store to get beer to bring back to Melissa's house. During our walk I kept thinking about how he used to make me so nervous and how I didn't feel nervous around him at all. It was such a relief.

Sunday I hiked with Dan in the east bay for 4.7 miles. We went far enough out to where there was sun. Everything seemed right with the world. I always have fun with Dan, he is such a good friend. After our hike we went to a book store, had dinner and he took me grocery shopping.

I am of the theory that everyone is a little bit bi-sexual and that that sexuality is not defined in terms of gay, straight or bi. I believe that there are more grey arears to sexuality, and that there is a continuim. I think of it in terms of someone being like 60% straight, 40% gay. I would say that I am 80% straight, 20% gay. Sometimes I see beautiful woman and think wow! I like confident women with curves.

Trained Killer

Last night was insane and now my entire body aches. 

Directly after work, older brother from another mother Zack, Mr. Leon, O'Shaunessy, Andy, Ken, Freddie and I proceeded to drink in an alley behind Murphy's pub. Zack, Leon, and O'Shaunessy all know the bartenders at Murphy's because they used to work right next to Murphy's. Since they knew the bartenders I received cheap gin and tonics made with top shelf gin. Mostly we hung out in the alley. By 7:00 we were all pretty trashed. 

Eventually Zack and I were talking and we started brushing up on my fighting skills. He has showed me how to throw punches correctly in the past. Before I knew it my 6'3" 265lb older brother and I were brawling. Zack would never hurt me and our fighting was serious practice but also controlled. I kept kicking him and trying to jump on his back, as he is huge and has a height advantage. Somehow I always ended up on the ground but continued to get back on my feet. At one point he kicked me really hard in my upper thigh and today I had difficulty walking. We continued for about a half hour. My elbow started bleeding and there was blood on my shirt. Then O'Shaunessy wanted to prove his man skills and started fighting with me. O'Shaunessy is my height, so we were well matched. At one point I somehow ended up slamming him on the cement. 

All the boys were amazed by my strength and endurance. Zack said I fight better than 75% of the guys out there. I know it sounds really crazy but I had tons of fun. I have huge bruises all over my arms, a scrape on my elbow, and a gimpy legg. It is probably cliche but I feel like I proved myself to my guy friends, and now I can be considered one of them. Sometimes I wonder if I am going insane. What girl would fight two dudes in an alley behind a bar?

Ha ha ha today was mellow, I hurt too much to do it big. I watched the rest of this documentary commune. It was pretty good. I like the idea of free love, free land, sharing, and true community. The commune still exists. I would love to live with a bunch of young people, share chores, clothes, food, lovers, but I also think that I have lived too much in modern society to be able to truly share everything without conflict, or jealousy. 

I'm going over to Melissa's tonight for a gathering with old friends. Friends I haven't seen in months. Should be fun, but I am still exhausted.

BRAIN PAIN

Drama.

I found out that I did not get the job that I interviewed for and had been waiting to hear back from for about a month.

Then I talked to my friend Dan and he explained that I did not get the first loss mitigation specialist position but that they want to hire 5 people total, and are waiting to get approval from the budget committee. He was confused because he said that his boss said that he really liked me and that I was a strong candidate. Who knows? - I mean what else would he say?- She was an awful interviewee...??

I have been thinking about some alternatives lately. Sitting in an office all day gets on my nerves. I think I have too much energy. I am a bundle of GHROJKLNSHO. At work sometimes O'Shaunessey, T-Pain and I dance in our cubicles.

I have been thinking about completing my Peace Corps application. I still have it half completed on Internet land from like 2 years ago. I have also been thinking about teaching English in South America. I think the Peace Corps would be more rewarding though. I think it is kind of elitist to teach the whole world English; it is totally cultural imperialism. But it would be an awesome experience. Sometimes I have issues with motivation, or distraction, or both. I dream big though. I think big dreams can take a person far. If you just think something is possible it probably is.

I also have vivid daydreams about hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. That is something I definitely want to do before I die. The trail spans from Southern California and goes up to Canada through the Cascades. It is 2,650 miles. Most hikers do it in segments. They hike from Mexico to mid-Oregon for 3 months one summer and then do the second half next year. Some hikers do the whole thing at once though. I think it takes 5-6 months total. Things that are stopping me: 1.) Money 2.) Lack of Equipment (money) 3.) Time (money) time=money 4.) Someone dedicated to go with. It probably wouldn't be the smartest thing for me to go off into the woods by myself for months.

I guess I am in the mood to do something truly life changing and eye opening.

I love people but I have always been a loner. This guy I met at the cellar last Friday told me that Aries are loners who start a lot of projects and don't finish them. That sounded like me. I had never heard the loner thing with Aries before.

Last night I went to a hookah bar with my new friend Kevin. I found it amusing because there were all these loud high school kids there. One of them was wearing these stripper heels. I remembered being in high school, wearing thrift store clothes, shaving my head, and hanging out at Denny's. I don't remember wearing 3 inch heels. It made me kind of sad. Kids these days. Sheesh. What's wrong with being a kid????

Marilyn French = God (for today at least)

For about a month or two now I have had difficulty finding the right book to fit my mood. I felt easily bored or distracted by everything I started. My distractibility bothers the hell of me. I feel like I have ADD or ADHD.

Marilyn French finally saved me. This is the third Marilyn French novel I've read. I think I will now refer to her as my favorite author. Her books are very feminist but very realistic. I was thinking last night that she is like Mary J. Blige in novel form. I like feminism that is more realistic; that acknowledges that it is okay to have insecurities or get hurt by men. It makes more sense. She also has at least one non-fiction book on feminism that I need to read.

Speaking of feminism there are Ani Difranco concert ticket adds on facebook, but she is not coming to San Francisco. :(

O'Shaunessy is not in the office today. I kind of miss his loud bay area rap, his shoeless feet on his desk, and his intelligent, convincing way of talking to clients. He is a much better counselor than I am. He has a way of convincing people that his ideas were really theirs. He is a true salesman. I am not. I am a good listener but I want people to draw their own conclusions. People are way to fucking stubborn sometimes, but whatever I can be really stubborn too.

It is Thursday, I am excited that tomorrow is Friday. I bought the new Nas album last night. Check, check, check it out. He wanted to name the album N***er to and initiate discussion on it's meaning, but people didn't allow it. whateva.

I am at work

I created this blog to distract myself at work. I am listening to the national on npr concerts series, it is a very enjoyable live show to listen to.

My coworker friend T-pain is walking around and comparing the # of action plans he has with mine. There is a woman in a short skirt and high heels playing ping pong in the break room. She is very adorable, but very skinny. She looks like an Urban Outfitters model. When I was a kid I imagined that I would grow up to be skinny because I was a skinny kid. Then I grew boobs and hips.

I am always amazed at how my life is different than how I imagined it would be. It is neither good nor bad. I feel passive about these things. I feel like they are out of my control. I am who I am. Sometimes my anger scares me and I don't understand where it comes from. Then I see that there are a lot of angry people around me. Sometimes my depression bogs me down. I think people express their depression differently. Mine is not extreme. I am getting older, my moods are balancing out. I am glad that I have a job that buys me healthy food and for the first time in my life I have friends that I made on my own that care a great deal about me!!

All day Allan talks about Economics. I wonder what is going to happen to the US but also the world. Crazy things I tell you. A depression seems plausible.