SEATTLE AGAIN

A lot has happened since I last posted. I am now living at home with my parents, waiting anxiously to depart for Incheon South Korea in February. Living here is difficult.

I left San Francisco with Allan in a 10 ft Budget Truck December 16th. We almost made it to Seattle in one day, but we got caught in the snow storm at 12:30 at night. We spent the night in Centralia, WA. We left San Francisco at 7:00 that morning. Frisco flew up to Seattle and we greeted him at the airport the next day, we all bummed around for a few days. We were confined by "The great snow storm of 2008." Inches of snow kept us inside more than we would have liked.

I have been in Seattle for over 10 days, and I haven't done much. Last night I went out for a few drinks at the Cha Cha Lounge with Meghan, Mike and Kwasi. I drank more than I probably should have. It was nice to see Kwasi again, he seemed relatively okay for having recently broken up with his girlfriend. It seems like everyone's recently broken up with someone. Lucky for me, I only have myself to worry about. Yesterday my sister and I walked around Greenlake. We talked a lot about relationships. She seemed to be as pessimistic as me. The good news though is that my parents are back together.

My mom isn't watching her sugar though despite the fact that she recently learned that she is pre-diabetic. Since being in Seattle I have tried to avoid confrontation with my mother as much as possible. She drives me a little nuts with her questions, questions after questions. She watches too much T.V. Since the T.V is always on, it pulls me in. Watching awful reality T.V really depresses me. I get a little curious watching it though, because I can't really believe that people are actually like that, so shallow and so fake. It is kind of like a social experiment for me.

I have new music to listen to since I got an Itunes gift certificate for x-mas. I am happy when I have new music. Also Meghan and I exchanged some stuff when she was home.

I have been sleeping in a lot. I have been eating a lot. I have been a bit down.

The weather, living at home, being bored all have contributed to a few extra pounds on me...

I am ready to start working out again. I am ready to start feeling good again. I want to be me again.

I slept in till 2 pm today

I can't stop sleeping.

I've become someone else. 

I drink everyday.

I talked to my dad tonig t,  e said e doesn't know if ˙e will be coming ˙øme for C˙ristmas. e is tired of fig˙ting wit˙ my mom. e wants to start looking at apartments. Rig˙t now ˙e is commuting 4-5 ˙ours everyday back and fort˙ to work from my parents cabin. 

I just can't grasp t˙is. I t˙ink I am still in denial. W˙en my mom first told me t˙at t˙ey separated, it seemed like t˙ey would get over it quickly. Now it ˙as been over a week and a ˙alf and t˙ey ˙aven't talked to eac˙ ot˙er at all. I don't want to visit t˙em separately for C˙ristmas. I don't want to go ˙øme and I don't want to be ˙ere. I want to be in a cabin somew˙ere in t˙e middle of now˙ere alone. I don't want to talk to anyone. All I want to do all day is sit and watc˙ movies and be alone. 

I don't like talking to t˙em separately on t˙e p˙one. I want to call one number and reac˙ bot˙ of t˙em. 

Sorry if this is cheesy; I am feeling nostalgic.

I'm starting to get really sad about leaving. 2 years in San Francisco passed by so fast. I met so many amazing, intelligent, funny, caring, beautiful people while living here. People who challenged my beliefs and people that made me laugh so hard that I spit up food, and beer. I know I am not going to really miss the city too much, but the friends I made. Everyone of them taught me something.

San Francisco taught me a lot too. When I moved 2 years ago I was a scared, self conscious, recent college graduate with too many ideals and not enough life experience. I learned to love myself more, I learned how to get jobs and how to get fired, I learned to let things go, to live more in the moment, day by day. I cried a lot, and I laughed a lot.

I went hiking many times, skiing in Tahoe a lot, I spent a weekend at lake Tahoe in the summer, I danced in clubs, stood on rooftops, went to different beaches, tried Burmese food for the first time, learned some bay area slang, rode in critical mass, tried yoga, had dinner parties with friends, went white water rafting, stood on top of Mount Tam, visited Santa Cruz, went wine tasting, tried some delicious beer from local breweries, had one night stands, learned I don't like one night stands, went to crazy parties, threw crazy parties, and got my heart broken a couple of times.

I am going to miss good Mexican food, redwoods, and warm weather in November.

UPDATE

My life feels like it is changing so drastically, so quickly. It isn't really, it is just that my mind is so full, that I don't have room and space to think.

I was offered a contract to teach English in South Korea, leaving January 9th. I had two days to make my decision. On Sunday, I finally decided to call my recruiter and ask her how likely it would be that I could get other contracts (with later start dates). I was feeling overwhelmed because I am moving all of my stuff back to Seattle December 17th. To turn around and leave for Korea on the 9th seemed so sudden. My mother also stated that she wanted to spend more time with me before I leave for a year. My recruiter was gracious and said that she understood and believed that it would be easy for me to get another contract to leave in February.

This morning, I got an email from my recruiter. She said that the school I interviewed with was very impressed by me and would still like me to come even if it is at the end of January. So it looks as though I will be leaving for Korea the last week of January. :)

I am waiting for the confirmation email, then I will email all my paperwork to the school in Korea so I can get my visa.

So yea. I am renting a truck, and Allan and I will be driving up to Seattle with all of my stuff. Frisco is flying into Seattle the 18th. Frisco, Allan, and I are going to chill in Seattle for 6 days, then Allan is flying back to SF. Then Allan wants to fly back up to Seattle again with his new girlfriend who is visiting so that I can meet her. - hhhmmm... she better not act a fool, or I will tell my b.f.f. that I do not approve.

MOM

I fought with my mom nonstop. Our conversations consisted on yelling, yelling, some screaming, a lot of crying.

This is kind of what they looked like:

Me "You have been depressed for years, you can't blame 25 years of unhappy marriage on dad alone, dad is trying so give him a break."

Mom "You don't know what I have been through, you are selfish, spoiled, self righteous, you have authority issues that will haunt you for the rest of your life, you take the easy way out, and you have anger management issues" 

Me "Where do you think I learned to deal with my anger from,? Children mimic what their parents teach them."

Okay so that script was boiled down, but we argued back and forth about those things for several days, and we are still arguing. 

I am so sick of my mom right now and how manipulative she can be, she is kind of nuts and I don't want to be pulled into her dramatic bullshit. 

I told her she has been playing the victim card for too long and that she needs to snap out of it. I don't think she took that lightly. FuCKINGF  SICK OF IT

It is weird to t˙ink t˙at tomorrow I will be in my ˙omeland. T˙e state w˙ere I spent 22 years. T˙e ˙ouse w˙ere I lived for 18. A s˙ort plane ride and all of a sudden you are in t˙e past, and everyt˙ing you do and everyw˙ere you go lies nostalga.

I talked to Wing last nig˙t on t˙e p˙one for a long long time. I am excited to see ˙er tomorrow nig˙t.

I ˙åve been depressed. Going ˙øme will refres˙ me ˙opefully. Last nig˙t Wing was talking about ˙øw s˙e wants me to move back. I ˙åve been t˙inking about it; t˙ere are a lot of t˙ings t˙at I miss. If I left I imagine t˙ere would be a lot of t˙ings t˙at I would miss about t˙e Bay Area as well.

Somet˙ing kind of bizaree ˙appened to me today. I t˙øug˙t I really want my official transcipts because I ordered t˙em a week or two ago and I need t˙em to apply for Sout˙ Korea, so I kept t˙inking to myself: t˙ey are going to come today, t˙ey are going to come in t˙e mail today, and as I ˙ad wis˙ed- t˙ey did. So now I guess I ˙åve most of t˙e basic stuff t˙åt I need to get a Visa... I emailed my recruiter, I mig˙t need a few more t˙ings, I dunno.

Yoga today was ˙ard, because I ˙adn't gone in a few days.

Depression is weird, not˙ing really excites me anymore. I feel immune. W˙en people talk I can't really concentrate on w˙at t˙ey are saying.

I wish I lived in a tree house

At &T is annoying. I do not trust them. I put my $50 rebate in the mail a couple of weeks ago (from when I got my new phone), and I got a letter back saying it was denied because "There was no service activated."- I was like "wwwhhhhhhaaaaaattttt." Anyways, I called them and waited on hold, then the call dropped, then I called back and they looked it up and they were like "oh yeah, our mistake." HHHmmm.... suspicious I tell you. I bet they deny rebates for silly things and then if you call them they say it was a mistake, expecting that you won't actually call back. Rebates are scams.

Anyways, today I woke up and got ready for my interview at 1:30. I left the house at 12:30, expecting that I would have plenty of time to get to 43rd and Judah. I walked down to Powell where I waited for the N for like 25 minutes. I think about 4 M's, 4 L's, 4 J's, and 4 K's passed by while I waited. Finally the N came. At 1:30 I was only at 12th and Judah; I was supposed to be at 43rd at 1:30. I got off the N and didn't end up going to the interview because there is no point in going to an interview 20 minutes late and because I had forgotten to bring their phone number with me to call in case I was going to be late. I really didn't think there was going to be a problem. UUUUUGGGHHHH...... I waited in the Sunset in the cold for another 30 minutes before the N came back the other way. I almost started crying, I had a little pity party for myself. After 20 minutes of beating myself up in my head, I decided it was pointless. The moment had passed. I can't dwell on things that happened in the past, obviously there is no point, you can't change it.

THINK POSITIVE THINK POSITIVE THINK POSITIVE---------------------- I'm going to South Korea!!!! I really want to. If I think about it positively enough, if I imagine myself there, it will happen.


Today I put my Peace Corps application in the mail. Good Luck medical information, away you go....

6 days till I leave for Seattle :)

PASTA AAAAHHHHH

Today I slept in late. I woke up this morning and there was a voicemail on my phone about a job interview. I called back Mr. Edwards. I will be seeing him Wednesday regarding his available classroom counselor position. The position is at a high school where they send delinquent kids; juvenile offenders I believe.


This morning I made this amazing pasta. I kind of altered the recipe, this is what I did:

Make the pistachio sauce by grinding up 1 cup of pistachio's, 2 cloves of garlic, salt and lots of olive oil in a blender

cook 8 oz of whole wheat pasta in salted water

mix the two together along with the seeds from one pomegranate.

Yummy!


I had a enjoyable weekend. Friday night I went out for drinks with Miros and some other x-coworkers.

Saturday Allan and Frisco picked me up and we went to his little brothers football game. After the game we came back into the city for Vietnamese food in the mission. Then we crossed the street to Cassanova for happy hour. While we were at Cassanova Zack called and left a voicemail saying he was out with Oshaunessy, and wanted to know if I could meet up with them later that night. Allan wanted to go home to study so he dropped Frisco and I off at my house. Frisco and I went to North Beach where we bar hopped. Then Oshaunessy and Zack came and met up with us and we all danced at this random Tiki bar in North Beach. At one point Zack and Oshaunessy hoisted me onto the bar so that I could dance on it. I was really drunk and demanded a minute later that they get me down from the bar.

I have been thinking more and more about South Korea. Allan and Frisco were telling me that there is a boat that goes from South Korea to Japan that only takes about 2 hours. I didn't realize the two countries were so close. Last week, I ran around to get my criminal background check notarized as one of the steps to apply for my visa.

I will be leaving for Seattle in 8 days! I am excited to go home for a week!!!!!!!

South Korea

Yesterday I went to the dentist. The dental hygienist was talking about piercings because my old septum piercing showed up in my x-ray. She told me that she got her bellybutton pierced because her husband really wanted it, and told her that he would buy her a diamond if she pierced it. She never got her diamond. All I could think was I would never ever ever do something to my body for a man that I did not want to do - diamond or no diamond that's fucking dumb. Even if you are married it is still like a form of prostitution. Okay I am being a bit extreme, but receiving goods in exchange for something you don't want to do yourself, and is related to sex-- one could argue the point...

I talked to a recruiter last night on the phone to teach English in South Korea. I would leave in February and start teaching in March. I guess the program pays for your housing, plane ticket, and on top of that $2,000 a month for living expenses. She said that the majority of teachers who go are able to save like $1000 a month while they are there. She was really enthusiastic and said that it was the best experience of her life. She said that in South Korea there is a large Western community. Teachers are able to make friends and have a sense of community while they are there. So yeah if I get some shit together, I might go to South Korea in February to teach English for a year. Lots to think about right now. I am still working on my Peace Corp application, and thinking about graduate school at Mills.

Last night I had really vivid dreams about being successful. I woke up foggy, and jobless.

I am going hiking today with Danny. :) On Sunday I went hiking with Dan. Two different hikes in one week with two different Dan's. YEAH HIKING!!!!

:) I get FREE YOGA THAT"S RIGHT BITCHES

Sometimes I feel like a complete life fuck up, but then I think to myself that life is more exciting and interesting when you fuck up sometimes. -That's the only way to learn.. right?

I am a strong person, I believe things and I say them out loud. I guess I am still harboring some anger. I was way too honest, but in retrospect that agency and the way it was run was fucked up and I suffered from burn out.

When I am 102 I will tell 6 year old children that I got fired during the greatest economic "recession" in American history since the great depression and I will laugh at how ridiculously long ago it was and how much I did not fuck up my life since then.

Today was a good day. I got offered a part time position that I really don't want to do and am debating taking, but don't think that I will. I called my parents and they were awesome and understanding and said "don't do it if you don't want to."

I bought groceries. I applied to a few jobs.

I went to Yoga and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!---------------------I talked to Steve (because my 1 month trial is up in 5 days), and he said that there was one position left for the work/study and guess what beautiful people---------------I got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT WOOT

That means that in exchange for 4hours a week (on Wednesday evenings), I will be receiving unlimited yoga for free! Free!!! Fucking FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! :) This really made my day, because without their workstudy thing, I would have had to stop doing this strange sweaty activity that is making me a better, more balanced individual. Unlimited yoga there is is like over $100 a month. So I am beyond stocked... and......

I was on the phone with the fam and jokingly said "Now that I am unemployed maybe I could stay longer around Thanksgiving (b/c I have been missing home)." - and I thought they would say "no you should be looking for jobs," but instead they were like "yeah you should look into changing your flight, we would love to see you (b/c they love me). So I called United after I got off the phone and they aren't even charging me to change flights, but reimbursing me $26 because I moved my flight to days further around Thanksgiving. So Yeah!!! I am going home for a week around Thanksgiving which is awesome. I will be in Seattle the 18th - 26th, which means I will eat, and drink, and go to our cabin in the woods, and see Kwasi, and Wing and Woody, and Woody's puppy, and my puppies, and the best thing since fried plantains Ms. Meghan Bright.

OBAMA LOVE

Awww... relief that Meghan and I won't be plotting our escape to Canada.

Last night watching the emotional news I almost cried. All I could think about was how it must feel to be an African American watching Obama's victory speech. They showed a clip of Oprah in the crowd teary eyed. It was all so emotional and exciting.

PROP 8 passed which fucking sucks. I say take away marriage rights for everyone!!!! No marriage at all.

I guess Prop 4 did not pass!!! YEAH!!! Teen rights to get abortions

And PROP 2 Passed YEAH!!!!!!!!! Room for farm animals!!!!!!



I don't know about all the other ones, I need to look them up.

Random slightly drunken ramblings

Sunday was considerably better than Saturday night. Sunday I went to yoga and then I made Lassagna at a friends house and watched Lost in Translation with him.

But the rain is still pouring. Today it poured all day and I didn't do much of anything. I woke up at 9:00. Ruby and Jaslo were in the kitchen. They talked about Prozac.

I applied to a few jobs, I fucked around on facebook. At around 1:30 I got dressed and went to the post office to get stamps to mail my appeal for unemployment, my request to withdraw my 403 B, something for my Peace Corps application, and my mail in ballot. Since I went to the Post Office in Chinatown I bought $3 worth of Dim Sum (4 shrimp dumplings, 1 red bean humbow, and a sesame ball) because it is so cheap and so delicious. I walked back in the pouring rain.

I wanted to ride my bike to yoga but it has been raining so hard, that I can't get motivated to do so. I don't really want to ride in the rain and fuck up my gears.

Now I am sitting in the livingroom. I can hear the rain in the background. I have had 2 gin and tonics (left over from Halloween), and I am kind of tipsy and it is only 4:30 and I should be going to the gym or stimulating my mind.

A guy called me today and scheduled an interview with me for Wednesday to work part time with at-risk youth. It might be cool. I am excited that someone actually responded to my email. I bet I have sent out 50-100 resumes in the past 2 weeks. Economic downturn you are kind of a bitch aren't you?

I am listening to Bon Iver again. All this rain reminds me of Olympia, Washington, and Woodrow, and sitting in my clawfoot bathtub while reading for class.

CRY WHEN IT RAINS

Halloween I drank too much and I threw up in the street. It is hard for me to remember the last time I threw up from alcohol. I think the last time was probably in college. I felt stupid. Kelly was there and she was reassuring and sweet. The highlight of the evening for me was riding in Wayne's van which we stuffed 12 people into. My costume fell apart slowly but surely throughout the evening. I spent too much money and time on that costume.

I woke up this morning hungover.

Today Dan and Tim and I hung out. It poured most of the day. We ate Thai food then went to Tim's house in Walnut Creek where we played rock band and watched two movies back to back. It was the first time I had ever played rock band, I sang and got a high score of 22%. I laughed a lot today despite a headache and sore muscles.

After Tim and Dan dropped me off at home, I hopped into the bath tub. I lit some candles, put on Bon Iver and soaked. Finally I broke down. I cried, and cried, and cried. I let go and it felt so so good. I cried partly because it is raining, partly because I am tired and hungover, partly because of the music, partly because I recieved a letter denying my unemployment benefits today, partly because I don't have a job, don't know when I will get one, don't know where I want to go, feel lost, feel unimpressive, miss my family....

I felt okay about crying. I realized that I had been trying really really really hard to tell myself and everyone around me that I am okay when in actuality I am scared shitless. I think it is okay to feel pain once in awhile, to relish in it, soak in it, let it fill you up, take you over. It is cathartic really. As long as you do it and realize that you will go to bed and wake up and tomorrow will be a new day.

Apparently Bon Iver went to live in his fathers rural cabin in Wisconsin after a breakup, and wrote the songs for his album. I want to go live in a cabin in the middle of the woods and sit by the fireplace and play the banjo and knit and raise a puppy and emerge a year later understanding me. I want to know Emilie Bright. Right now she hurts. Obviously everything is going to be okay. When was it never not?

BON IVER Lyrics to Re: Stacks :
This my excavation and today is kumran

Everything that happens is from now on

This is pouring rain

This is paralyzed



I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time

It's hard to find it when you knew it

When your money's gone

And you're drunk as hell



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace

The fountain in the front yard is rusted out

All my love was down

In a frozen ground



There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed

And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss

Whatever could it be

That has brought me to this loss?



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Your love will be

Safe with me

mysterious cold, cold world

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/30/us/30insure.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin



I am kind of enjoying how cold and foggy it has been outside. The fog at night is ominous. Looking over downtown all the buildings look dark and futuristic, evil even. Like a scene from some film noir movie.

It is weird because sometimes I think I am living in that futuristic world. Like this is the future to somebody. There are evil corporations, and cement, and technology, and it is so futuristic and scary. flafkjd'jgl;ajhglhl'gj' Okay enough.

UNEMPLOYMENT

The California State Unemployment office called me today. I had a phone interview with a representative. Apparently the Award letter I received does not mean I am getting unemployment, it meant that I am under review. My benefits could still be denied. If they are denied I plan on appealing and taking CCCSSF to court. 

Arrgghh.

Tired. 

Today at the Walgreens in China Town some drunk, and or high, and or mentally ill Chinese man interrupted my peaceful headphoned state to tell me "You have a nice back." 

"What?" I said

"You have a nice back," and he pointed at my upper back. 

It was one of the more bizarre things someone random has said to me.  I never know how to respond to weird comments. I wish I was good at coming up with an intelligent, quick, fuck you type response. 

At first I had smiled though; but only because I smile when I feel uncomfortable, especially around strange men. I always feel guilty afterwards when I give someone an undeserved smile, like I'm somehow betraying feminism. But smiling for me is a nervous, unavoidable reaction, and afterwards I feel cheap and cheated.  

Yeah anyways, today was eh. Yoga today felt amazing. Though it is hard for me to tell if I am actually improving at all. 

I watched last nights Daily Show tonight online. There was a clip of Sarah Palin saying "I don't like to label myself" when an interviewer asked if she considers herself a feminist. 

If you are running for fucking vice president of the fucking United States and you are a woman you better damn say you are a feminist. Fucking idiot. That women really ircks me... Whateva Obama is so winning and he has championed much more for feminism than Palin thats for sure. 

Hiking + beer = Best day eva

Saturday I wandered aimlessly around the city with a new friend, it was a beautiful warm day. We talked for hours, time flying by. We shared a bottle of wine in his apartment after several hours of wander.

Saturday night I couldn't sleep. I had tea too late in the evening or too much on my mind. My nervous energy kept me up. At 3:00 am I made some sleepytime tea, then I lay awake in bed a little longer. I must have only slept 4 hours or so. My alarm was set for 8:30 am to go hiking. 

Sunday I awoke sleepy but excited to go hiking. The day was warm and gorgeous again. I took Bart out to Dan's house and we drove (Tim in the backseat; him and Dan arguing) up to Santa Rosa for our hike. We hiked 9 miles in Annadel State Park. It was a beautiful hike in the hills above Santa Rosa. There were views of the city below. 

During the hike I would speed up and leave Dan and Tim behind to talk. I would hike fast, let my mind wander or be in a sort of hiking trance like meditation. Then I would wait for them for a bit and we would talk about music, or sex, or drugs, and women. Then I would wander off again and the pattern would repeat. I enjoy being alone in nature. It is completely relaxing, and rejuvenating. All the mind distractions of the city disappear. Things don't matter like they do in the city. 

After we finished the hike exhausted, feet swollen and blistered we drove to Russian River Brewing Company in Santa Rosa for some amazing brew. 

Tim and I shared a pitcher of the golden ale and followed it by an oatmeal stout. Beer never tastes better than after hiking 9 miles. I had a small caprese salad and we proceeded to get drunk really quickly. Our bodies empty we were really receptive to the 7% alcohol content of our beers. We became loud and obnoxious and laughed down the streets of Santa Rosa. 

After we got home I took a bath in Epson Salts and relaxed.

This morning I woke up and rode my bike to yoga. After yoga I bought a bunch of stuff at the hardware and fabrics stores for the octopus costume that I am going to make this week. 

All in all it was a great weekend. 

Saul Williams

Went out Thursday night. Went out Friday night. 

Thursday night ended up being sort of strange. I was supposed to go hang out with Dan and Tim in the East Bay which didn't happen. At 7:30 Frisco and Allan called and said they were on their way to the mission. I told them to come pick me up and then I could still go out to Dan's later. After we chilled in the mission for awhile we decided to go to North Beach. We went to this bar that had live music. There was this very old (65?) French man there who was extremely drunk. He kept hitting on me but I couldn't understand a word of what he was saying because he had a very heavy French accent and because he was really really drunk. Finally I agreed to dance with him. For one dance he stumbled around spitting in my face. After the dance he invited me to an all expenses paid vacation with him in Chile. Ick gross. Though I have to admit I did think about it for a second. I imagined myself taking the plane ride with him, then running away once in Chile and heading to the beach where I would meet and marry a sexy South American man. After the bar we ended up in a very sad strip club where the women were not sexy and kind of looked like men.

Friday I met up with some ex-coworkers downtown for a drink. Then Miros came and had a drink with us and at around 9 Miros and I left for Berkeley to see Saul Williams. 

The show was so ramped and energetic but didn't start till about 12. The doors opened at 9. Miros and I got to Berkeley around 10:00. We decided to walk down the street and go get some food. We got back around 11 and had to wait for Saul which didn't start till midnight. The show ended at like 1:30. I was so tired by the end of the show from standing up for so long. Saul and his band mates came out dressed all punk. They had feathers in their hair that looked like Mohawks. In between loud, aggressive punkish music Saul intermixed his spoken word poems. It was a cool show. The crowd was awesome. There was a mix of both older and younger people. The crowd was really evenly mixed racially as well which was cool.  

Today I should go out and get some fresh air. The sun is out. Hopefully it will be warm again. It's Saturday! I am going to take a break from job hunting and relax. 

insane

a ha ha ha a ha aha ha aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha haa ha ha lol lol  ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laugh hard it's a long way to the bank.

I had a pre-screening interview today to teach English in South Korea and to leave as early as January. I don't think I really want to do it though. It doesn't sound like they cover all of your expenses.

Today I fucked around on the computer, went to the grocery store, made these black bean zucchini cheese things, and went for a run. Tonight I am going to the East Bay to hang out with Dan and Tim tonight. Dan always manages to cheer up a playerette.

I feel like this blog is dying. Slowly but surely. A slow dramatic death of a blog. So tragic. So young. I am sitting in my living room on the computer. Ruby is on her computer she is eating raw cranberries.

Don't let the man get you down

I won't

Emilie's Homemade Salad Dressing Recipe:

1 part olive oil

1 part balsamic vinaigrette

1/2 part agave nectar

1/2 part dijon mustard

2 pinches pepper

whisk together

ha when you don't have dressing you invent

Got some stuff done today for my Peace Corps application- specifically Polio and TD booster shots. 

I am reading a book of short stories, many of them involve torrid fucked up love affairs.- I don't know how I feel about reading it yet since I don't usually like short stories. Additionally it is makes me feel more skeptical and bitter about love than I already am. 

I HAVE BEEN AWARDED UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS :)

I had a good weekend. Friday was tons of fun. My ex coworkers took me out, bought me drinks and threw compliments at me. I relished in their generosity. 

We started out at The Cellar for $1 bottled beers, went to some random bar in the TL and then ended up taking the 38 Geary all the way to Clement St. to some dive bar where Zack's friend was. There was a very attractive African American dude who did an amazing, amazing Obama impression. Miros and I laughed hysterically (he sounded just like him.) Miros and I danced to old 60's music. Then I danced with some completely drunk dude who told me he loved me. 

Would you judge me possible reader if I told you that all I have felt like doing lately is drinking? and yoga... 

Saturday I went with the roomies to the soapbox races. I was feeling tired, grumpy and annoyed. I couldn't see anything, there were way too many fucking people. We decided to leave and go to the Belgian frie place on Valencia instead. I had a beer and small fries with jalapeno ketchup sauce. I ate the fries because they were there and they had salt, but I enjoyed my beer much more. The fries were not the best fries I had ever tasted. 

Saturday night I read and drank a couple of gin and tonics in my room by myself. I loathed in self pity and called Allan.

Sunday Dan and I went hiking on the Peninsula. We went for an 8 mile hike about 45 miles south of San Francisco. It was beautiful, the sun was shining. I felt completely relaxed and happy. The hike cleared my head. I wasn't worried about money, finding a job, or my parents nagging me about finding a job...

Before the trail started to climb for several miles Dan and I sat and had a snack. Looking out at the landscape I thought: this is what life is all about, this here, this nature and this world is bigger than me and my predicament. There is nothing I would rather be doing right now on this warm, beautiful Sunday afternoon.

After the hike, on a whim, Dan and I decided to drive to Santa Cruz for a beer and a visit to the beach. :) 

Today I sat on the couch in my boxers and bathrobe from 9:30 to 2:00 working on my resume and applying for jobs and trying to figure out Ruby's printer. I took occasional breaks for tea, water, salad, potatoes, half a cookie....

At 2:00 I made a conscious decision to take a shower. To enter out of depression one must make conscious decisions to move and do something else. A shower is a move in a different direction. I showered; then after Ruby left I turned up my music really, really loud, screamed the lyrics and danced in an angry fashion in my room. At 4:00 I biked to yoga. 

OMG After yoga I felt so much better. I got really excited today because I might be able to go to Yoga for free after my month introductory trial is over. I talked to the guy in charge of their "work/study" program today. He said that if I volunteer 2.5 hours a week I can go to Yoga as much as I want for free. This, my friends was a message - a message that things are going to work out for me. I was stressed out that I won't be able to afford yoga after my month trial. But then, I saw a sign and it said: "free yoga?- talk to Steve" so I talked to Steve. He said there were only 4-5 positions left and that I should talk to him again in Nov after my 30 day trial... so we will see. 

When I got home from Yoga there was a letter saying that I had been awarded Unemployment benefits. Yes, Yes indeed things will be okay.

FIRED BY A GREEDY NON-PROFIT

I was fired Tuesday afternoon. 

I am trying desperately to stay positive and to not fall into a state of panic or despair. Being forced to leave one's imprisonment seems backwards. The plan was for me to flee freely when the time was right. I sense that it is a blessing in disguise though. I sense that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  I want to trust my intuition but my mind creeps in and says "hey dipshit why did you go and get yourself fired?" This experience has been humbleing no doubt. Is humbleing a word?

I am taking things one day at a time. Today I spent about 4-5 hours in the morning researching and applying to jobs. I sat on the couch and ate a large portion of the scallop potatoes I made the night before. I could feel the black moods creeping in. In the afternoon I rode my bike to yoga. It was warm outside, and the sun was shinning. After yoga I felt 100% better. Currently I am just exhausted, emotionally, physically. At one point in the evening I turned on NPR and they were talking about the economy of course. I got freaked out and turned the shit off. 

Tomorrow at 12:00 I am going in to meet with a temp agency.

I am going to try and meditate now before bed. 

I got fired togay fuchkal. they were tyring to make an acampel of me. i t was over s ome fstu g shit. I am fuckO ao a, ;ole wajtevee I hated that fucking job anyways alllan and friscog came over we durnink tou i qNDSAS SOHOLE SI WLL ASSHOLES 

FFUCK OYU I AM NOT GOIN GTO GET FIRED. YOU MAY THINK I AM FIREABLE IDOTIOS. 

THIS IS KIND OF REDICOUSLOUS 

I CANT;T EBELIVEVE I DONT HAVE TO GO TO OWORKR ATOMOROW 

LIFE ISG AWSOME AND WAMAGING AND I MISS SEATTLE CAUSEER THEVERYONE UDNERDATANDTS AND CLIFANF SUCKS FUCKS FUKCS SFUCKS FUCK. SUCK FHFKLA;GIOP AOT EWIYOTEHWIOHIO

TIRED

I had a good, stress free weekend.

FRIDAY: After work on Friday I rode my bike to Yoga. When I got home, I was elated from yoga and was dancing around the apartment. Then Zack and Oshaunessy came over and we smoked and listened to Indian sitar music in my room. We sat on my roof carefree and laughing. Zack and Oshaunessy left to go see Zack's friends band play at Mojitos in North Beach. I had a drink with my roommates, then decided to go meet up with Zack and Oshaunessy at Mojitos since my friend and I decided to skip dancing in the mission. At Mojitos I danced and drank. My phone finally broke (I had dropped it a week ago and broken a piece of plastic off). Since it was broken anyways, I decided to smash it on the bar. We walked home around 1:30. I was drunk and dancing and singing to chinatown on the walk home.

SATURDAY: I woke up tired, a bit hungover, and decided to go to yoga. Then I went to the AT&T store and bought a new cell phone. Saturday night I met up with Allan in the mission. I ate Tacos and we went to a coffee shop to catch up. I hadn't seen Allan in a couple of weeks, and it was nice to talk to him again. We talked about sex a lot. Allan thinks he is the ultimate sexpert.

SUNDAY: I woke up early and went out to the East Bay to meet up with Dan for a hike. We got some food in Rockridge and met up with his friend Tim. We drove out to Marin and hiked in China Camp (a CA state park.) It was beautiful and warm, a perfect day for hiking. We attemped to do a 5.5 mile hike, but ended up getting lost because one of the trails was closed. Eventually we ran into an older couple. They had a map and told us we were about 4-5 miles away from our car. It was 4:30pm, and we had already hiked 4-5 miles. I could have continued, but I didn't know if we would have made it out before dark. They offered us a ride, since their car was about a half mile away. We accepted. We ate dinner in San Rafael at a local brewery. We shared a pitcher of this delicious amber/wheat beer "Whamber," and I had mango mahi mahi tacos. The beer was 7.5% and after a couple, Tim and I got into a heated discussion about relationships. He recently broke up with his girlfriend. Tim is only 23 years old and has decided he knows what he wants out of a relationship and life in general. I told him there was no way in hell he could know at 23 what he wants. Later I was thinking that maybe I was just jealous because I have no idea what I want and I feel lost.

As we drove over the golden gate bridge the sun was setting, it was a perfect way to end the weekend.

RED VELVET

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1263 - This American life has an episode on the US economy. It is interesting. I have been listening to it in segments at work, haven't finished it yet.

On BBC News:
US debt clock runs out of digits
Until last month, the clock had enough digits to measure US debt levels
The US government's debts have ballooned so badly the National Debt Clock in New York has run out of digits to record the spiralling figure.

Went to the farmers market on my break. I bought some Zucchini, tomatoes, broccoli, pears and apples. At one of the vendors I said "The pears are organic, are the apples?" She said we don't use any pesticides or sprays, but they are not "certified organic," because it is expensive to get the license.

If I were president I would provide a tax reimbursement to families that eat organically. If more people ate organically, the cost of organic food would decrease, the environment would be healthier, people would be healthier and government would be less involved in major conglomerate food production. If people were healthier it would cost less to insure them... and the list goes on and on. From King Corn it explained that during the Reagan Era government decided they wanted to make food cheaper by mass producing it so that Americans could spend more on other things. That is how large scale corn production came in to play. Corn is cheap and that is why everything has corn syrup in it.


Last night I went over to Melissa's house to have dinner with Melissa and Danny. Melissa planned the meal and I gorged myself on bread with brie, salad with apples, walnuts and lemon, pasta with pesto, ricotta cheese, zucchini and onion. Then we topped everything off with a red velvet cake that Danny made from scratch. The cake was fucking amazing. It had a cream cheese frosting. It was a nice way to spend a Wednesday night. I rode my bike home in a food comma.

Today I have to go back to the Dr. to follow up on my TB test for my Peace Corps stuff. Then I am going to try to make it to Bikram Yoga. :) Life is good today.

Obama

This is kind of weird: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/video_and_audio/7658334.stm I had never heard of an electronic cigarette before.
I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week!!! I am definitely going to quit that temporary disgusting habit. Though when I get a few beers in me I always want to accompany them with a cigarette.

Last night I watched some of the debate. McCain just looked like a dumbass as usual while Obama was well spoken. My roommate was telling me that Obama agrees with McCain on offshore drilling. - So not cool. I looked it up this morning and I guess Obama recently changed his tune. I wish Obama would stick his neck out a little more, be a little more liberal and push some of the issues instead of trying to appeal to "Main Street"- (I hate it when they use that term). I wish Obama would stand up for gay marriage. I wish he would nationalize health care and I wish he had a more progressive energy policy. I am still obviously going to vote for him though.

Bikram Yoga

Bikram Yoga, also known as Hot Yoga, is a style of yoga developed by Bikram Choudhury and a Los Angeles, California based company[1]. Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (40.5°C) with a humidity of 40%. Classes are guided by specific dialogue including 26 postures and two breathing exercises. Classes last approximately 90-minutes. Beginners may take Bikram yoga classes.

Bikram yoga is a system of wellness, restoration and rejuvenation. The heated studio facilitates deeper stretching, prevents injury, relieves stress and tension and detoxifies the body. Bikram yoga was designed to systematically stimulate and restore health to every muscle, joint and organ of the body. Participants are guided through a series of 26 postures. The heart, lungs, blood circulation, muscles, brain activity and mental capacity are all affected by participating in the art of yoga. There are two descriptions of the 26 exercises and they are asanas (postures) and pranayama (breathing exercises), both of which rely on each other to deliver positive results. According to Bikram, many people only use up to 50 percent of their lung capacity, and just like any muscles, the lungs must be stretched and with time will be able to withstand holding more oxygen. When one is practicing the pranayama he or she will eventually be able to enhance oxygen conversion and absorption, as well as improve blood circulation. (Choudhury, 2007)

So last night per a friends suggestion I decided to try Bikram Yoga at mission yoga. I rode my bike there not really knowing what to expect. I knew it was yoga in a hot room.

At first I couldn't find the place because it was above some stores. Finally I spotted a couple of young people chaining their bikes in an indoor courtyard area. So I was a bit late. Then the people checking in pointed me to the changing rooms. I was like "Oh I was just going to wear this." I was wearing my long workout pants and a t-shirt. They kind of smirked and said "your going to soak through the clothes you should have brought a change of clothes," and I felt really stupid. I walked into the room after the class had started and immediately started sweating. Most people were wearing shorts and many of the girls had small sports bra shirts on. So I was like fuck it and took off my shirt, so that I could have a dry article of clothing to bike home in.

Wow it was intense! I have never sweat so much in 90 minutes in my entire life. The poses were really difficult, but others struggled with them as well. I had the reddest face in the entire class and I was profusely dripping sweat the entire time.

After the class I felt amazing. I was completely rejuvenated. I felt limber and calm but energized. I rode my bike home at top speed smiling in sweat soaked clothes. I even rode all the way up Powell to my apartment without stopping.

I was exhausted when I went to bed and slept really well through the night.



I have decided to focus more intensly on my health and wellbeing. I figure if I feel good it will help me figure out the rest of my life- where I am going what I want to do. I have started working on my essay for Mills graduate school admissions. The early application is due in February. I want to write a really good essay. So far I only have 1 very boring paragraph but if I work on it a little bit everyday I'll get there. Today I have a doctors appointment so that she can fill out the physical examination part of my Peace Corps application.

Love Fest SUCKS ASS

Last night I had a dream that I was stuck at my parents cabin because the ferries were full from Kingston to Edmonds. Since I was stuck, I had to call in sick to work. I called my boss and he was like "well can you get proof that the ferries are full?" and I was like "I can get my parents to write a note." It was a bizarre dream. I think it was a metaphor for feeling stuck in this dead end job.

Yesterday I went with a SF hiking group on a 12 mile urban hike. We started at 9th and Irving, walked through Golden Gate Park to Ocean Beach, headed up the hill to this lookout, went through the Sutra Baths, over to Baker Beach, along the Presido, passed the Golden Gate Bridge and ended up in Marina where we took buses back. Everyone in the group was older, but I really enjoyed it. It was a beautiful 70 degree day. The hike was long, but the intensity wasn't there. I prefer hikes with a lot of elevation.- I prefer hiking fast and sweating like a pig. I also prefer hikes out in the middle of nowhere, I didn't really enjoy it when we crossed through the neighborhoods. But it is hard for me to think of things I enjoy more than hiking.

I have been thinking a lot lately, maybe too much.

On Saturday I stopped by love fest to meet up with a friend. It made me realize how totally completely and utterly different I am from this friend. I went there and almost had a panic attack. (I don't do well in crowds sometimes). There were way too many people, many of them high-schoolers on E wearing booty shorts jiving to loud abrasive techno music. Then when I finally met up with my friend, he was on E and he was all sweaty and smacking his lips. So I left. I am not trying to say that I am really really mature (I can be really immature actually), but I am not really interest in rubbing up against 18 year olds in a sweaty day rave where everyone is completely fucked up. Not my scene.

EEEHHHHH

I feel like crap still. My throat is extremely sore every morning. It has been waking me up at 4:00 a.m. the past 2 days. I have been popping IBProfen and sucking on Halls Honey Lemon cough drops to numb the pain. I feel low on energy. Yesterday I didn't work out and today I am not going to either. :(

Last night I went out for a burrito in the mission with Peter. Then we went to Monks Kettle http://www.monkskettle.com/. Monks Kettle is a intimate, restaurant/pub with an amazing selection of beers. I tried two amber ales.: Alley Cat Amber and Poppy Jasper Amber Ale. I really enjoyed the Poppy Jasper it is from El Toro Brewing Company in Morgan Hill, CA (I looked it up on their website).

We then went to Amber for one more drink. At Amber we discovered that Peter is close friends with this girl that I went to high school with. It was so strange, it made me feel like it is a small world after all. Anyways he met the girl at art school in San Francisco. I never talked to her before, but in high school she found my email through an ex-boyfriend and sent me a nasty email about how he was hers. I broke up with him originally so I was like whatever.

On NPR yesterday they were talking about how the public is begining to acknowledge how unqualified Palin is. Duh. That bitch makes women look dumb and she pisses me off. I really, really dislike her. But anyways, whateva.

Looks the Bailout may actualize soon. I guess whatever Bush wants Bush gets.

Food and SHIZ

Last night I avoided the gym as I have a persistent cough. Instead I walked to Whole Foods for groceries. I made a cracker casserole. It turned out pretty good. I got the recipe online from: http://www.101cookbooks.com Here is the recipe:

Cracker Lasagna Recipe
A few important head notes: when you go to place the baking dish in the oven, you might worry that things look are a little on the runny/liquid side. It's ok - the crackers continue to absorb and swell though out the baking process, and the cottage cheese mixture will set up nicely due to the eggs. When choosing a type of cracker to use, hoosing go for sturdy ones, a cracker that can stand up to ten minutes of soaking without going to mush on you - I included a photo of the crackers I used up above, I suspect Ak-Mak would be a good choice as well (Trader Joe's, Whole Foods). Also, don't worry if your crackers are the exact dimension I call for in the recipe, just use enough to construct three layers in whatever pan you are using. Prepping all your ingredients beforehand is helpful here - chop your spinach and onions, etc. Things will go more smoothly. And lastly, I can't help but think that some shredded gruyere would right at home on top of this.
1 1/2 cups cottage cheese
1 cup milk
2 large eggs
scant 1/2 teaspoon fine grain sea salt
splash of olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
1 shallot, chopped (optional)
1/4 pound brown mushrooms (about 12 medium), brushed clean and chopped
pinch of fresh thyme (optional)
2 big handfuls of spinach, washed and chopped
18 2 x 4 - inch crispy crackers (see head notes)

9 - inch round baking dish, or an 8x8 baking pan will work as well

Preheat oven to 400F degrees with rack in the middle. Oil your baking dish and set aside.
Using a hand blender (or food processor or regular blend) puree the cottage cheese, milk, eggs, and salt until smooth. Line a separate deep dish or baking pan with the crackers and cover with 1 1/2 cups of the cottage cheese mixture, reserving the rest for later use. Let the crackers soak for about 10 minutes - long enough for them to soften a bit, but not long enough for them to loose all their structure
In the meantime, in a large skillet over high heat, cook the onion and shallot in a splash of olive oil along with a pinch of salt. Cook for a couple minutes, until they begin to soften up a bit. Stir in the mushrooms, and cook until they release their liquid and start to brown, another 5 minutes or so - stirring once or twice along the way. Remove from heat and stir in the spinach. Combine with the remaining cottage cheese mixture.
Arrange about 1/3 of the soaked crackers in a single layer in the bottom of prepared pan - I break up the crackers a bit to make things fit. I should mention things are much easier if you're using a square pan. Ladle 1/3 of the spinach mushroom mixture over the first layer of crackers. Add another layer of crackers, another 1/3 of the mushroom mixture, a final layer of crackers and the remaining mushrooms - three layers total. Place in oven for about 30 minutes or until top is golden (edges golden). Remove and cool for 15-20 minutes - this helps everything set up nicely. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Makes about 8 - 10 servings.

The crackers I used were kind of thick. I recommend using thin crackers. I also forgot Milk at the grocery store, so it was kind of dry though I did use extra cottage cheese and an extra egg to try to make up for the milk.

I also made some kidney beans later in the evening to eat for lunch today.

Another Manic Monday

Last night I watched this amazing documentary about corn production in the U.S. I highly recommend that everyone watch it. It is called King Corn.

http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/kingcorn/

http://www.kingcorn.net/

It talked a lot about the governments involvement in mass food production and the push to make food cheap at the expense of its nutritional value. It addressed meat production and how beef is now corn fed which is extremely bad for the animals health and the environment. It talked about corn syrup and how awful it is. It talked about economics, and politics.

This morning when I got to work I signed up for a local organic delivery box. The box will be delivered to my work every other week. It will contain organic fruits a vegis from a local farm in the bay area. All the fruits and vegi's I buy are organic, but many of them are not local. This will make it easier for me to support more local products. :)

I want to be more conscious of what I put into my body. I am losing my voice, my throat is really, really sore. I drank so much beer this weekend that it gave me a yeast infection. I drank beer Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Not cool, need to drink less alcohol.

THE GOOD TIMES ARE KILLING ME

Apparently there is another blogspot with Rice and Beans as the title. Hmmppffff... and I thought I was being original ha.

Went out for Sushi with the new boy last night. We went to this little hipstery sushi place with unique decor. The sushi was average, but I really liked the atmosphere of the place. We ordered a pitcher of Anchor Steam with our sushi. After dinner we walked to Bacchus Kirk. I think this was the first time I had actually been to Bacchus Kirk which is weird because it is right down the street and people always talk about it. Anyways, I really, really liked it. It has a warm, winter time vibe with red lighting, pillows and a fireplace.

After a few drinks and tipsy politic talk we wandered back to my crib. We smoked a little bit of purple, and had a dance party in my bedroom. Then we made out. :)

He left at 12:30 or so and I passed out. I woke up at 4:00 in the morning full or racing thoughts. Today I am tired and my stomach is upset, but I am in good spirits.

He is like the dorkiest person eva but I love it. The way he talks is really dorky and funny. Last night he was wearing a cute argyle sweater. We connect really well. He is an Aries (like me), born exactly a week after me. It is weird because I have dated a lot of other Aries, I have a connection with like minded people I guess.

Last night before we went out to dinner I listened to Bush's speach about the bailout plan some discussion about it. I think it is kind of dumb. I guess I am of the opinion that we shouldn't help idiots that put us in this crazy mess in the first place, though I guess things could get really, really bad if we don't do something. $700 billion though? With a war that is costing us billions? UUUGGHHHH -

FEMINISM

I'm listening to Ani Difranco and reading feminist blogs.

I really like this one: http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/

I am going out to Sushi tonight with the boy. He has been texting me every day since Sunday... it is kind of concerning me because I like a lot of space and freedom. I just saw him Sunday and already we are getting together again. I like him but I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years; therefore I am not interested in someone that is clingy. I am so into my independence at this point in my life.

Pigs and Tigers

It is beautiful just the way it is:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7629897.stm


Oh this is really adorable:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7630765.stm

Last night I watched a documentary on anorexia. It was depressing. It chronicled the stay of several women at a treatment facility. Many of them relapsed and struggled with the disorder for years and years. The saddest thing for me was realizing that instead of being young and enjoying their lives, they were so obsessed and focused on every single calorie, every single thing they ate.

Boys, boys, lots of boys

This sucks: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7625173.stm

Meghan left last night. We had a wonderful weekend full of shopping, eating, walking, the museum, and drinking, drinking, drinking, then sleeping in. :)

I really enjoyed her company. We discovered this little Brewery in North Beach that had a bunch of Belgian beers on tap. It was an exciting discovery.

Last night I went out again for drinks with a boy. A nice boy, a cute boy, but a very dorky boy. I like dorky though. I had a lot of fun. - I don't know what to think yet. He kind of talked a lot which was sort of annoying but entertaining at the same time.

Oh this is interesting....

How housing bill helps banks, not taxpayers
Sean Olender
Sunday, September 14, 2008
This is the complicated story of how Congress' recent $300 billion housing bill is a theft of taxpayer money.

To understand how it works, you must first put yourself in the shoes of Bank of America, Countrywide Financial, or any of the many U.S. banks facing big losses on delinquent mortgages. If you are a bank, you probably make loans to people to buy homes. You give the borrower money, and the borrower gives you a signed promise to repay - a mortgage - which is secured by the house.
Over the past five years, you got to sell a lot of your mortgages to Wall Street banks that then sold them to international investors. Wall Street paid you well for those mortgages. Because you didn't think you'd get stuck with them on your books, you started loaning anything to anyone.
But as the housing market's parabolic ascent stalled, you got stuck with a lot of mortgages you hadn't yet sold to Wall Street banks. And some Wall Street banks and investors may have forced you to buy back other mortgages, sticking you with hundreds of billions in bad debt. You also know that some of the mortgages that were sold to investors are packed with lies about the appraised value, the borrower's income and other information that may allow investors to force you to buy them back after foreclosure.
You've wisely been dragging your feet on sending out delinquency and foreclosure notices. Foreclosures are recorded on your books, and you're expecting a government bailout, so you are waiting sometimes more than a year to initiate foreclosure proceedings. You don't even know if some of these folks are living in their homes anymore.
You have a lot of friends in Congress. You paid them a lot of money to be your friends. But you know that if they start talking about passing a law that will give you a lot of taxpayer money to make up for your losses, voters might get angry and scare the representatives, who then may refuse to vote for your bill because they're worried about getting voted out of office.
What to do?
You can try to write a bill that is a bailout, but is disguised to appear to not be a bailout, something I call reverse legislating. You can make it look like you are taking a significant loss on the mortgage and that you are helping people keep their homes, but in reality job one is to unload toxic waste on the taxpayer.
After thinking a while, you get an idea: Write the bill so that you reduce the principal of the mortgage to 90 percent of the current appraised value (this gives the homeowner 10 percent equity, the taxpayer a 10 percent cushion against losses and relieves the homeowner from having to scrape together even $10 for a down payment on the new loan). This all makes it look like you are taking a big "haircut" by writing down the loan principal.
Better yet, include a provision that requires borrowers to share half the future appreciation with the government, creating the ridiculous image that there will be appreciation above the appraised value in the next 10 years. But you know that's impossible. You know that because you're the one who picks the appraiser.
You learned during the boom that appraisers are chosen by mortgage brokers, real estate agents, and sometimes banks. Appraisers who don't "hit the number" by appraising the house for the amount needed to close the deal don't get called back and have to get a job doing something else.
A red herring
Some idiot might suggest the creation of a radically different appraisal system. Some lawmakers may suggest that FHA or HUD select the appraiser, that the bill institute civil money penalties, or criminal penalties for improperly influencing appraisals. But you, the bank, know just how to deal with that - with a red herring, of course.
How about deleting these effective provisions from the bill and instead adding a meaningless requirement that appraisers have more education hours? Or maybe we could fingerprint them? It doesn't matter as long as it is irrelevant, but sounds relevant to a voter.
You write into the bill, of course, that only loans you choose can be refinanced in the federal assistance program. Desperate borrowers who can't afford their current mortgage payment and would benefit from this bill aren't entitled to the federal refinancing assistance without you choosing them. You coach your lawmakers to use the word "voluntary" a lot because people generally think that things that are voluntary are good. But the point is that nobody gets refinancing help unless you say it's OK.
Choosing the worst
Which homeowners are you going to allow into this refinancing program? The worst you can find. Not ones merely having trouble repaying. You're going to start with ones who stopped making payments six months ago who will walk away regardless, or better yet who have already walked away and you just haven't foreclosed on yet. You're going to track them down and you may even have to pay them to sign the documents.
If it gets too dirty, you can outsource it to any of thousands of mortgage brokers who've probably been living in their cars for the past year. You can pay big commissions and fees to create a powerful demand to close those deals without you having to get your hands dirty in the details. People who abandoned their homes or who still live there, but haven't made a payment in months, or a year, will sign anything you like if you give them $5,000, or pay the mortgage brokers enough so they can afford to buy the borrower's cooperation. The borrowers, after all, are on the hook for nothing whether they sign or not. The borrower would be wise to sign in exchange for some cash.
So that's how you do it: You, the bank, get rid of your most dubious mortgages by, in effect, transferring them to the federal program - and letting the taxpayers foot the bill.
On June 20, the National Review broke the story that Bank of America had essentially written the FHA bank bailout bill and posted Bank of America's "confidential" proposal on its Web site. The FHA bill is identical in almost all respects. That alone should tell taxpayers all they need to know.
I optimistically predict that within 12 months, half of these refinanced loans will result in default.
"If we had these higher-cost loan limits four years ago, buyers would not have had to go to the subprime market and would have been able to get an FHA loan," said William E. Brown, president of the California Association of Realtors.
But in reality, real estate agents and mortgage brokers steered lots of people into subprime loans with time-delayed, exploding interest rates, because they got paid kickbacks from the lender. The banks paid them extra money - sometimes $20,000 or $30,000 - to take a borrower with a good credit score and put the person into a bad loan with a teaser intro rate that exploded into a 12 percent monster later and included a prepayment penalty.
Why would the banks do this? Because it makes more money for them. Fully 60 percent of subprime borrowers qualified for a lower rate and better loan terms than they were given. Their mortgage brokers and real estate agents never told them they qualified for better. If they did, the borrowers would have gotten better.
Bloated inventory
Recent reports indicate that existing home sales have increased more than expected. Buried deeper was the fact that existing home inventory ballooned to 11.2 months. The record inventory of 11.5 months was reached in 1982. Optimistic economists suggest that an additional 10 percent drop in home prices is coming, while the doomsday crowd claims housing will suffer an additional 20 to 30 percent fall. Nobody knows, because a housing bust this big has never happened before. But inventory doesn't get this large unless sellers are way too high on price. Coming price declines will also sap taxpayer money on these bad loans.
And $300 billion isn't enough. In the same bill, Congress gave the Treasury Department authority to hand limitless taxpayer money to Fannie and Freddie, which can use it to buy mortgage bonds from irritable banks. After finding Fannie and Freddie in bad shape, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson will allow them to expand their portfolios by $200 billion, like a credit card shopping spree six months before you plan to go bankrupt.
Once again, Congress has delivered the goods to its banker bosses. No lawmaker voted on specific terms for a Fannie and Freddie bailout, because precise terms are the things that get legislators voted out of office. Instead, Congress gave an arguably unconstitutional spending power to the Treasury Department, which is buying worthless mortgage bonds with our tax money. This is how to deliver $500 billion to the banks without leaving fingerprints. It is the art of postmodern democratic oligarchy.
A crazy rationale
Most surreal is the ceaselessly repeated rationale for all this bailing: If we don't give these banks your tax money, they won't be able to lend it to you. And without credit, you're all screwed. Let me get that straight. If we don't give banks our tax money, we will be in dire straits because they won't be able to lend us that money.
Before anyone writes about my wild conspiracy theories suggesting it's laughable and ridiculous that banks would try to offload worthless loans onto a third party by working with mortgage brokers and appraisers to get fraudulent appraisals and false borrower income information, isn't that rather clearly and exactly how we got into this situation?
Sean Olender is Bay Area attorney and writer. Contact us at insight@sfchronicle.com