CRY WHEN IT RAINS

Halloween I drank too much and I threw up in the street. It is hard for me to remember the last time I threw up from alcohol. I think the last time was probably in college. I felt stupid. Kelly was there and she was reassuring and sweet. The highlight of the evening for me was riding in Wayne's van which we stuffed 12 people into. My costume fell apart slowly but surely throughout the evening. I spent too much money and time on that costume.

I woke up this morning hungover.

Today Dan and Tim and I hung out. It poured most of the day. We ate Thai food then went to Tim's house in Walnut Creek where we played rock band and watched two movies back to back. It was the first time I had ever played rock band, I sang and got a high score of 22%. I laughed a lot today despite a headache and sore muscles.

After Tim and Dan dropped me off at home, I hopped into the bath tub. I lit some candles, put on Bon Iver and soaked. Finally I broke down. I cried, and cried, and cried. I let go and it felt so so good. I cried partly because it is raining, partly because I am tired and hungover, partly because of the music, partly because I recieved a letter denying my unemployment benefits today, partly because I don't have a job, don't know when I will get one, don't know where I want to go, feel lost, feel unimpressive, miss my family....

I felt okay about crying. I realized that I had been trying really really really hard to tell myself and everyone around me that I am okay when in actuality I am scared shitless. I think it is okay to feel pain once in awhile, to relish in it, soak in it, let it fill you up, take you over. It is cathartic really. As long as you do it and realize that you will go to bed and wake up and tomorrow will be a new day.

Apparently Bon Iver went to live in his fathers rural cabin in Wisconsin after a breakup, and wrote the songs for his album. I want to go live in a cabin in the middle of the woods and sit by the fireplace and play the banjo and knit and raise a puppy and emerge a year later understanding me. I want to know Emilie Bright. Right now she hurts. Obviously everything is going to be okay. When was it never not?

BON IVER Lyrics to Re: Stacks :
This my excavation and today is kumran

Everything that happens is from now on

This is pouring rain

This is paralyzed



I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time

It's hard to find it when you knew it

When your money's gone

And you're drunk as hell



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace

The fountain in the front yard is rusted out

All my love was down

In a frozen ground



There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed

And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss

Whatever could it be

That has brought me to this loss?



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Your love will be

Safe with me