mysterious cold, cold world

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/30/us/30insure.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin



I am kind of enjoying how cold and foggy it has been outside. The fog at night is ominous. Looking over downtown all the buildings look dark and futuristic, evil even. Like a scene from some film noir movie.

It is weird because sometimes I think I am living in that futuristic world. Like this is the future to somebody. There are evil corporations, and cement, and technology, and it is so futuristic and scary. flafkjd'jgl;ajhglhl'gj' Okay enough.

UNEMPLOYMENT

The California State Unemployment office called me today. I had a phone interview with a representative. Apparently the Award letter I received does not mean I am getting unemployment, it meant that I am under review. My benefits could still be denied. If they are denied I plan on appealing and taking CCCSSF to court. 

Arrgghh.

Tired. 

Today at the Walgreens in China Town some drunk, and or high, and or mentally ill Chinese man interrupted my peaceful headphoned state to tell me "You have a nice back." 

"What?" I said

"You have a nice back," and he pointed at my upper back. 

It was one of the more bizarre things someone random has said to me.  I never know how to respond to weird comments. I wish I was good at coming up with an intelligent, quick, fuck you type response. 

At first I had smiled though; but only because I smile when I feel uncomfortable, especially around strange men. I always feel guilty afterwards when I give someone an undeserved smile, like I'm somehow betraying feminism. But smiling for me is a nervous, unavoidable reaction, and afterwards I feel cheap and cheated.  

Yeah anyways, today was eh. Yoga today felt amazing. Though it is hard for me to tell if I am actually improving at all. 

I watched last nights Daily Show tonight online. There was a clip of Sarah Palin saying "I don't like to label myself" when an interviewer asked if she considers herself a feminist. 

If you are running for fucking vice president of the fucking United States and you are a woman you better damn say you are a feminist. Fucking idiot. That women really ircks me... Whateva Obama is so winning and he has championed much more for feminism than Palin thats for sure. 

Hiking + beer = Best day eva

Saturday I wandered aimlessly around the city with a new friend, it was a beautiful warm day. We talked for hours, time flying by. We shared a bottle of wine in his apartment after several hours of wander.

Saturday night I couldn't sleep. I had tea too late in the evening or too much on my mind. My nervous energy kept me up. At 3:00 am I made some sleepytime tea, then I lay awake in bed a little longer. I must have only slept 4 hours or so. My alarm was set for 8:30 am to go hiking. 

Sunday I awoke sleepy but excited to go hiking. The day was warm and gorgeous again. I took Bart out to Dan's house and we drove (Tim in the backseat; him and Dan arguing) up to Santa Rosa for our hike. We hiked 9 miles in Annadel State Park. It was a beautiful hike in the hills above Santa Rosa. There were views of the city below. 

During the hike I would speed up and leave Dan and Tim behind to talk. I would hike fast, let my mind wander or be in a sort of hiking trance like meditation. Then I would wait for them for a bit and we would talk about music, or sex, or drugs, and women. Then I would wander off again and the pattern would repeat. I enjoy being alone in nature. It is completely relaxing, and rejuvenating. All the mind distractions of the city disappear. Things don't matter like they do in the city. 

After we finished the hike exhausted, feet swollen and blistered we drove to Russian River Brewing Company in Santa Rosa for some amazing brew. 

Tim and I shared a pitcher of the golden ale and followed it by an oatmeal stout. Beer never tastes better than after hiking 9 miles. I had a small caprese salad and we proceeded to get drunk really quickly. Our bodies empty we were really receptive to the 7% alcohol content of our beers. We became loud and obnoxious and laughed down the streets of Santa Rosa. 

After we got home I took a bath in Epson Salts and relaxed.

This morning I woke up and rode my bike to yoga. After yoga I bought a bunch of stuff at the hardware and fabrics stores for the octopus costume that I am going to make this week. 

All in all it was a great weekend. 

Saul Williams

Went out Thursday night. Went out Friday night. 

Thursday night ended up being sort of strange. I was supposed to go hang out with Dan and Tim in the East Bay which didn't happen. At 7:30 Frisco and Allan called and said they were on their way to the mission. I told them to come pick me up and then I could still go out to Dan's later. After we chilled in the mission for awhile we decided to go to North Beach. We went to this bar that had live music. There was this very old (65?) French man there who was extremely drunk. He kept hitting on me but I couldn't understand a word of what he was saying because he had a very heavy French accent and because he was really really drunk. Finally I agreed to dance with him. For one dance he stumbled around spitting in my face. After the dance he invited me to an all expenses paid vacation with him in Chile. Ick gross. Though I have to admit I did think about it for a second. I imagined myself taking the plane ride with him, then running away once in Chile and heading to the beach where I would meet and marry a sexy South American man. After the bar we ended up in a very sad strip club where the women were not sexy and kind of looked like men.

Friday I met up with some ex-coworkers downtown for a drink. Then Miros came and had a drink with us and at around 9 Miros and I left for Berkeley to see Saul Williams. 

The show was so ramped and energetic but didn't start till about 12. The doors opened at 9. Miros and I got to Berkeley around 10:00. We decided to walk down the street and go get some food. We got back around 11 and had to wait for Saul which didn't start till midnight. The show ended at like 1:30. I was so tired by the end of the show from standing up for so long. Saul and his band mates came out dressed all punk. They had feathers in their hair that looked like Mohawks. In between loud, aggressive punkish music Saul intermixed his spoken word poems. It was a cool show. The crowd was awesome. There was a mix of both older and younger people. The crowd was really evenly mixed racially as well which was cool.  

Today I should go out and get some fresh air. The sun is out. Hopefully it will be warm again. It's Saturday! I am going to take a break from job hunting and relax. 

insane

a ha ha ha a ha aha ha aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha haa ha ha lol lol  ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laugh hard it's a long way to the bank.

I had a pre-screening interview today to teach English in South Korea and to leave as early as January. I don't think I really want to do it though. It doesn't sound like they cover all of your expenses.

Today I fucked around on the computer, went to the grocery store, made these black bean zucchini cheese things, and went for a run. Tonight I am going to the East Bay to hang out with Dan and Tim tonight. Dan always manages to cheer up a playerette.

I feel like this blog is dying. Slowly but surely. A slow dramatic death of a blog. So tragic. So young. I am sitting in my living room on the computer. Ruby is on her computer she is eating raw cranberries.

Don't let the man get you down

I won't

Emilie's Homemade Salad Dressing Recipe:

1 part olive oil

1 part balsamic vinaigrette

1/2 part agave nectar

1/2 part dijon mustard

2 pinches pepper

whisk together

ha when you don't have dressing you invent

Got some stuff done today for my Peace Corps application- specifically Polio and TD booster shots. 

I am reading a book of short stories, many of them involve torrid fucked up love affairs.- I don't know how I feel about reading it yet since I don't usually like short stories. Additionally it is makes me feel more skeptical and bitter about love than I already am. 

I HAVE BEEN AWARDED UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS :)

I had a good weekend. Friday was tons of fun. My ex coworkers took me out, bought me drinks and threw compliments at me. I relished in their generosity. 

We started out at The Cellar for $1 bottled beers, went to some random bar in the TL and then ended up taking the 38 Geary all the way to Clement St. to some dive bar where Zack's friend was. There was a very attractive African American dude who did an amazing, amazing Obama impression. Miros and I laughed hysterically (he sounded just like him.) Miros and I danced to old 60's music. Then I danced with some completely drunk dude who told me he loved me. 

Would you judge me possible reader if I told you that all I have felt like doing lately is drinking? and yoga... 

Saturday I went with the roomies to the soapbox races. I was feeling tired, grumpy and annoyed. I couldn't see anything, there were way too many fucking people. We decided to leave and go to the Belgian frie place on Valencia instead. I had a beer and small fries with jalapeno ketchup sauce. I ate the fries because they were there and they had salt, but I enjoyed my beer much more. The fries were not the best fries I had ever tasted. 

Saturday night I read and drank a couple of gin and tonics in my room by myself. I loathed in self pity and called Allan.

Sunday Dan and I went hiking on the Peninsula. We went for an 8 mile hike about 45 miles south of San Francisco. It was beautiful, the sun was shining. I felt completely relaxed and happy. The hike cleared my head. I wasn't worried about money, finding a job, or my parents nagging me about finding a job...

Before the trail started to climb for several miles Dan and I sat and had a snack. Looking out at the landscape I thought: this is what life is all about, this here, this nature and this world is bigger than me and my predicament. There is nothing I would rather be doing right now on this warm, beautiful Sunday afternoon.

After the hike, on a whim, Dan and I decided to drive to Santa Cruz for a beer and a visit to the beach. :) 

Today I sat on the couch in my boxers and bathrobe from 9:30 to 2:00 working on my resume and applying for jobs and trying to figure out Ruby's printer. I took occasional breaks for tea, water, salad, potatoes, half a cookie....

At 2:00 I made a conscious decision to take a shower. To enter out of depression one must make conscious decisions to move and do something else. A shower is a move in a different direction. I showered; then after Ruby left I turned up my music really, really loud, screamed the lyrics and danced in an angry fashion in my room. At 4:00 I biked to yoga. 

OMG After yoga I felt so much better. I got really excited today because I might be able to go to Yoga for free after my month introductory trial is over. I talked to the guy in charge of their "work/study" program today. He said that if I volunteer 2.5 hours a week I can go to Yoga as much as I want for free. This, my friends was a message - a message that things are going to work out for me. I was stressed out that I won't be able to afford yoga after my month trial. But then, I saw a sign and it said: "free yoga?- talk to Steve" so I talked to Steve. He said there were only 4-5 positions left and that I should talk to him again in Nov after my 30 day trial... so we will see. 

When I got home from Yoga there was a letter saying that I had been awarded Unemployment benefits. Yes, Yes indeed things will be okay.

FIRED BY A GREEDY NON-PROFIT

I was fired Tuesday afternoon. 

I am trying desperately to stay positive and to not fall into a state of panic or despair. Being forced to leave one's imprisonment seems backwards. The plan was for me to flee freely when the time was right. I sense that it is a blessing in disguise though. I sense that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  I want to trust my intuition but my mind creeps in and says "hey dipshit why did you go and get yourself fired?" This experience has been humbleing no doubt. Is humbleing a word?

I am taking things one day at a time. Today I spent about 4-5 hours in the morning researching and applying to jobs. I sat on the couch and ate a large portion of the scallop potatoes I made the night before. I could feel the black moods creeping in. In the afternoon I rode my bike to yoga. It was warm outside, and the sun was shinning. After yoga I felt 100% better. Currently I am just exhausted, emotionally, physically. At one point in the evening I turned on NPR and they were talking about the economy of course. I got freaked out and turned the shit off. 

Tomorrow at 12:00 I am going in to meet with a temp agency.

I am going to try and meditate now before bed. 

I got fired togay fuchkal. they were tyring to make an acampel of me. i t was over s ome fstu g shit. I am fuckO ao a, ;ole wajtevee I hated that fucking job anyways alllan and friscog came over we durnink tou i qNDSAS SOHOLE SI WLL ASSHOLES 

FFUCK OYU I AM NOT GOIN GTO GET FIRED. YOU MAY THINK I AM FIREABLE IDOTIOS. 

THIS IS KIND OF REDICOUSLOUS 

I CANT;T EBELIVEVE I DONT HAVE TO GO TO OWORKR ATOMOROW 

LIFE ISG AWSOME AND WAMAGING AND I MISS SEATTLE CAUSEER THEVERYONE UDNERDATANDTS AND CLIFANF SUCKS FUCKS FUKCS SFUCKS FUCK. SUCK FHFKLA;GIOP AOT EWIYOTEHWIOHIO

TIRED

I had a good, stress free weekend.

FRIDAY: After work on Friday I rode my bike to Yoga. When I got home, I was elated from yoga and was dancing around the apartment. Then Zack and Oshaunessy came over and we smoked and listened to Indian sitar music in my room. We sat on my roof carefree and laughing. Zack and Oshaunessy left to go see Zack's friends band play at Mojitos in North Beach. I had a drink with my roommates, then decided to go meet up with Zack and Oshaunessy at Mojitos since my friend and I decided to skip dancing in the mission. At Mojitos I danced and drank. My phone finally broke (I had dropped it a week ago and broken a piece of plastic off). Since it was broken anyways, I decided to smash it on the bar. We walked home around 1:30. I was drunk and dancing and singing to chinatown on the walk home.

SATURDAY: I woke up tired, a bit hungover, and decided to go to yoga. Then I went to the AT&T store and bought a new cell phone. Saturday night I met up with Allan in the mission. I ate Tacos and we went to a coffee shop to catch up. I hadn't seen Allan in a couple of weeks, and it was nice to talk to him again. We talked about sex a lot. Allan thinks he is the ultimate sexpert.

SUNDAY: I woke up early and went out to the East Bay to meet up with Dan for a hike. We got some food in Rockridge and met up with his friend Tim. We drove out to Marin and hiked in China Camp (a CA state park.) It was beautiful and warm, a perfect day for hiking. We attemped to do a 5.5 mile hike, but ended up getting lost because one of the trails was closed. Eventually we ran into an older couple. They had a map and told us we were about 4-5 miles away from our car. It was 4:30pm, and we had already hiked 4-5 miles. I could have continued, but I didn't know if we would have made it out before dark. They offered us a ride, since their car was about a half mile away. We accepted. We ate dinner in San Rafael at a local brewery. We shared a pitcher of this delicious amber/wheat beer "Whamber," and I had mango mahi mahi tacos. The beer was 7.5% and after a couple, Tim and I got into a heated discussion about relationships. He recently broke up with his girlfriend. Tim is only 23 years old and has decided he knows what he wants out of a relationship and life in general. I told him there was no way in hell he could know at 23 what he wants. Later I was thinking that maybe I was just jealous because I have no idea what I want and I feel lost.

As we drove over the golden gate bridge the sun was setting, it was a perfect way to end the weekend.

RED VELVET

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1263 - This American life has an episode on the US economy. It is interesting. I have been listening to it in segments at work, haven't finished it yet.

On BBC News:
US debt clock runs out of digits
Until last month, the clock had enough digits to measure US debt levels
The US government's debts have ballooned so badly the National Debt Clock in New York has run out of digits to record the spiralling figure.

Went to the farmers market on my break. I bought some Zucchini, tomatoes, broccoli, pears and apples. At one of the vendors I said "The pears are organic, are the apples?" She said we don't use any pesticides or sprays, but they are not "certified organic," because it is expensive to get the license.

If I were president I would provide a tax reimbursement to families that eat organically. If more people ate organically, the cost of organic food would decrease, the environment would be healthier, people would be healthier and government would be less involved in major conglomerate food production. If people were healthier it would cost less to insure them... and the list goes on and on. From King Corn it explained that during the Reagan Era government decided they wanted to make food cheaper by mass producing it so that Americans could spend more on other things. That is how large scale corn production came in to play. Corn is cheap and that is why everything has corn syrup in it.


Last night I went over to Melissa's house to have dinner with Melissa and Danny. Melissa planned the meal and I gorged myself on bread with brie, salad with apples, walnuts and lemon, pasta with pesto, ricotta cheese, zucchini and onion. Then we topped everything off with a red velvet cake that Danny made from scratch. The cake was fucking amazing. It had a cream cheese frosting. It was a nice way to spend a Wednesday night. I rode my bike home in a food comma.

Today I have to go back to the Dr. to follow up on my TB test for my Peace Corps stuff. Then I am going to try to make it to Bikram Yoga. :) Life is good today.

Obama

This is kind of weird: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/video_and_audio/7658334.stm I had never heard of an electronic cigarette before.
I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week!!! I am definitely going to quit that temporary disgusting habit. Though when I get a few beers in me I always want to accompany them with a cigarette.

Last night I watched some of the debate. McCain just looked like a dumbass as usual while Obama was well spoken. My roommate was telling me that Obama agrees with McCain on offshore drilling. - So not cool. I looked it up this morning and I guess Obama recently changed his tune. I wish Obama would stick his neck out a little more, be a little more liberal and push some of the issues instead of trying to appeal to "Main Street"- (I hate it when they use that term). I wish Obama would stand up for gay marriage. I wish he would nationalize health care and I wish he had a more progressive energy policy. I am still obviously going to vote for him though.

Bikram Yoga

Bikram Yoga, also known as Hot Yoga, is a style of yoga developed by Bikram Choudhury and a Los Angeles, California based company[1]. Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (40.5°C) with a humidity of 40%. Classes are guided by specific dialogue including 26 postures and two breathing exercises. Classes last approximately 90-minutes. Beginners may take Bikram yoga classes.

Bikram yoga is a system of wellness, restoration and rejuvenation. The heated studio facilitates deeper stretching, prevents injury, relieves stress and tension and detoxifies the body. Bikram yoga was designed to systematically stimulate and restore health to every muscle, joint and organ of the body. Participants are guided through a series of 26 postures. The heart, lungs, blood circulation, muscles, brain activity and mental capacity are all affected by participating in the art of yoga. There are two descriptions of the 26 exercises and they are asanas (postures) and pranayama (breathing exercises), both of which rely on each other to deliver positive results. According to Bikram, many people only use up to 50 percent of their lung capacity, and just like any muscles, the lungs must be stretched and with time will be able to withstand holding more oxygen. When one is practicing the pranayama he or she will eventually be able to enhance oxygen conversion and absorption, as well as improve blood circulation. (Choudhury, 2007)

So last night per a friends suggestion I decided to try Bikram Yoga at mission yoga. I rode my bike there not really knowing what to expect. I knew it was yoga in a hot room.

At first I couldn't find the place because it was above some stores. Finally I spotted a couple of young people chaining their bikes in an indoor courtyard area. So I was a bit late. Then the people checking in pointed me to the changing rooms. I was like "Oh I was just going to wear this." I was wearing my long workout pants and a t-shirt. They kind of smirked and said "your going to soak through the clothes you should have brought a change of clothes," and I felt really stupid. I walked into the room after the class had started and immediately started sweating. Most people were wearing shorts and many of the girls had small sports bra shirts on. So I was like fuck it and took off my shirt, so that I could have a dry article of clothing to bike home in.

Wow it was intense! I have never sweat so much in 90 minutes in my entire life. The poses were really difficult, but others struggled with them as well. I had the reddest face in the entire class and I was profusely dripping sweat the entire time.

After the class I felt amazing. I was completely rejuvenated. I felt limber and calm but energized. I rode my bike home at top speed smiling in sweat soaked clothes. I even rode all the way up Powell to my apartment without stopping.

I was exhausted when I went to bed and slept really well through the night.



I have decided to focus more intensly on my health and wellbeing. I figure if I feel good it will help me figure out the rest of my life- where I am going what I want to do. I have started working on my essay for Mills graduate school admissions. The early application is due in February. I want to write a really good essay. So far I only have 1 very boring paragraph but if I work on it a little bit everyday I'll get there. Today I have a doctors appointment so that she can fill out the physical examination part of my Peace Corps application.

Love Fest SUCKS ASS

Last night I had a dream that I was stuck at my parents cabin because the ferries were full from Kingston to Edmonds. Since I was stuck, I had to call in sick to work. I called my boss and he was like "well can you get proof that the ferries are full?" and I was like "I can get my parents to write a note." It was a bizarre dream. I think it was a metaphor for feeling stuck in this dead end job.

Yesterday I went with a SF hiking group on a 12 mile urban hike. We started at 9th and Irving, walked through Golden Gate Park to Ocean Beach, headed up the hill to this lookout, went through the Sutra Baths, over to Baker Beach, along the Presido, passed the Golden Gate Bridge and ended up in Marina where we took buses back. Everyone in the group was older, but I really enjoyed it. It was a beautiful 70 degree day. The hike was long, but the intensity wasn't there. I prefer hikes with a lot of elevation.- I prefer hiking fast and sweating like a pig. I also prefer hikes out in the middle of nowhere, I didn't really enjoy it when we crossed through the neighborhoods. But it is hard for me to think of things I enjoy more than hiking.

I have been thinking a lot lately, maybe too much.

On Saturday I stopped by love fest to meet up with a friend. It made me realize how totally completely and utterly different I am from this friend. I went there and almost had a panic attack. (I don't do well in crowds sometimes). There were way too many people, many of them high-schoolers on E wearing booty shorts jiving to loud abrasive techno music. Then when I finally met up with my friend, he was on E and he was all sweaty and smacking his lips. So I left. I am not trying to say that I am really really mature (I can be really immature actually), but I am not really interest in rubbing up against 18 year olds in a sweaty day rave where everyone is completely fucked up. Not my scene.

EEEHHHHH

I feel like crap still. My throat is extremely sore every morning. It has been waking me up at 4:00 a.m. the past 2 days. I have been popping IBProfen and sucking on Halls Honey Lemon cough drops to numb the pain. I feel low on energy. Yesterday I didn't work out and today I am not going to either. :(

Last night I went out for a burrito in the mission with Peter. Then we went to Monks Kettle http://www.monkskettle.com/. Monks Kettle is a intimate, restaurant/pub with an amazing selection of beers. I tried two amber ales.: Alley Cat Amber and Poppy Jasper Amber Ale. I really enjoyed the Poppy Jasper it is from El Toro Brewing Company in Morgan Hill, CA (I looked it up on their website).

We then went to Amber for one more drink. At Amber we discovered that Peter is close friends with this girl that I went to high school with. It was so strange, it made me feel like it is a small world after all. Anyways he met the girl at art school in San Francisco. I never talked to her before, but in high school she found my email through an ex-boyfriend and sent me a nasty email about how he was hers. I broke up with him originally so I was like whatever.

On NPR yesterday they were talking about how the public is begining to acknowledge how unqualified Palin is. Duh. That bitch makes women look dumb and she pisses me off. I really, really dislike her. But anyways, whateva.

Looks the Bailout may actualize soon. I guess whatever Bush wants Bush gets.