It is weird to t˙ink t˙at tomorrow I will be in my ˙omeland. T˙e state w˙ere I spent 22 years. T˙e ˙ouse w˙ere I lived for 18. A s˙ort plane ride and all of a sudden you are in t˙e past, and everyt˙ing you do and everyw˙ere you go lies nostalga.

I talked to Wing last nig˙t on t˙e p˙one for a long long time. I am excited to see ˙er tomorrow nig˙t.

I ˙åve been depressed. Going ˙øme will refres˙ me ˙opefully. Last nig˙t Wing was talking about ˙øw s˙e wants me to move back. I ˙åve been t˙inking about it; t˙ere are a lot of t˙ings t˙at I miss. If I left I imagine t˙ere would be a lot of t˙ings t˙at I would miss about t˙e Bay Area as well.

Somet˙ing kind of bizaree ˙appened to me today. I t˙øug˙t I really want my official transcipts because I ordered t˙em a week or two ago and I need t˙em to apply for Sout˙ Korea, so I kept t˙inking to myself: t˙ey are going to come today, t˙ey are going to come in t˙e mail today, and as I ˙ad wis˙ed- t˙ey did. So now I guess I ˙åve most of t˙e basic stuff t˙åt I need to get a Visa... I emailed my recruiter, I mig˙t need a few more t˙ings, I dunno.

Yoga today was ˙ard, because I ˙adn't gone in a few days.

Depression is weird, not˙ing really excites me anymore. I feel immune. W˙en people talk I can't really concentrate on w˙at t˙ey are saying.

I wish I lived in a tree house

At &T is annoying. I do not trust them. I put my $50 rebate in the mail a couple of weeks ago (from when I got my new phone), and I got a letter back saying it was denied because "There was no service activated."- I was like "wwwhhhhhhaaaaaattttt." Anyways, I called them and waited on hold, then the call dropped, then I called back and they looked it up and they were like "oh yeah, our mistake." HHHmmm.... suspicious I tell you. I bet they deny rebates for silly things and then if you call them they say it was a mistake, expecting that you won't actually call back. Rebates are scams.

Anyways, today I woke up and got ready for my interview at 1:30. I left the house at 12:30, expecting that I would have plenty of time to get to 43rd and Judah. I walked down to Powell where I waited for the N for like 25 minutes. I think about 4 M's, 4 L's, 4 J's, and 4 K's passed by while I waited. Finally the N came. At 1:30 I was only at 12th and Judah; I was supposed to be at 43rd at 1:30. I got off the N and didn't end up going to the interview because there is no point in going to an interview 20 minutes late and because I had forgotten to bring their phone number with me to call in case I was going to be late. I really didn't think there was going to be a problem. UUUUUGGGHHHH...... I waited in the Sunset in the cold for another 30 minutes before the N came back the other way. I almost started crying, I had a little pity party for myself. After 20 minutes of beating myself up in my head, I decided it was pointless. The moment had passed. I can't dwell on things that happened in the past, obviously there is no point, you can't change it.

THINK POSITIVE THINK POSITIVE THINK POSITIVE---------------------- I'm going to South Korea!!!! I really want to. If I think about it positively enough, if I imagine myself there, it will happen.


Today I put my Peace Corps application in the mail. Good Luck medical information, away you go....

6 days till I leave for Seattle :)

PASTA AAAAHHHHH

Today I slept in late. I woke up this morning and there was a voicemail on my phone about a job interview. I called back Mr. Edwards. I will be seeing him Wednesday regarding his available classroom counselor position. The position is at a high school where they send delinquent kids; juvenile offenders I believe.


This morning I made this amazing pasta. I kind of altered the recipe, this is what I did:

Make the pistachio sauce by grinding up 1 cup of pistachio's, 2 cloves of garlic, salt and lots of olive oil in a blender

cook 8 oz of whole wheat pasta in salted water

mix the two together along with the seeds from one pomegranate.

Yummy!


I had a enjoyable weekend. Friday night I went out for drinks with Miros and some other x-coworkers.

Saturday Allan and Frisco picked me up and we went to his little brothers football game. After the game we came back into the city for Vietnamese food in the mission. Then we crossed the street to Cassanova for happy hour. While we were at Cassanova Zack called and left a voicemail saying he was out with Oshaunessy, and wanted to know if I could meet up with them later that night. Allan wanted to go home to study so he dropped Frisco and I off at my house. Frisco and I went to North Beach where we bar hopped. Then Oshaunessy and Zack came and met up with us and we all danced at this random Tiki bar in North Beach. At one point Zack and Oshaunessy hoisted me onto the bar so that I could dance on it. I was really drunk and demanded a minute later that they get me down from the bar.

I have been thinking more and more about South Korea. Allan and Frisco were telling me that there is a boat that goes from South Korea to Japan that only takes about 2 hours. I didn't realize the two countries were so close. Last week, I ran around to get my criminal background check notarized as one of the steps to apply for my visa.

I will be leaving for Seattle in 8 days! I am excited to go home for a week!!!!!!!

South Korea

Yesterday I went to the dentist. The dental hygienist was talking about piercings because my old septum piercing showed up in my x-ray. She told me that she got her bellybutton pierced because her husband really wanted it, and told her that he would buy her a diamond if she pierced it. She never got her diamond. All I could think was I would never ever ever do something to my body for a man that I did not want to do - diamond or no diamond that's fucking dumb. Even if you are married it is still like a form of prostitution. Okay I am being a bit extreme, but receiving goods in exchange for something you don't want to do yourself, and is related to sex-- one could argue the point...

I talked to a recruiter last night on the phone to teach English in South Korea. I would leave in February and start teaching in March. I guess the program pays for your housing, plane ticket, and on top of that $2,000 a month for living expenses. She said that the majority of teachers who go are able to save like $1000 a month while they are there. She was really enthusiastic and said that it was the best experience of her life. She said that in South Korea there is a large Western community. Teachers are able to make friends and have a sense of community while they are there. So yeah if I get some shit together, I might go to South Korea in February to teach English for a year. Lots to think about right now. I am still working on my Peace Corp application, and thinking about graduate school at Mills.

Last night I had really vivid dreams about being successful. I woke up foggy, and jobless.

I am going hiking today with Danny. :) On Sunday I went hiking with Dan. Two different hikes in one week with two different Dan's. YEAH HIKING!!!!

:) I get FREE YOGA THAT"S RIGHT BITCHES

Sometimes I feel like a complete life fuck up, but then I think to myself that life is more exciting and interesting when you fuck up sometimes. -That's the only way to learn.. right?

I am a strong person, I believe things and I say them out loud. I guess I am still harboring some anger. I was way too honest, but in retrospect that agency and the way it was run was fucked up and I suffered from burn out.

When I am 102 I will tell 6 year old children that I got fired during the greatest economic "recession" in American history since the great depression and I will laugh at how ridiculously long ago it was and how much I did not fuck up my life since then.

Today was a good day. I got offered a part time position that I really don't want to do and am debating taking, but don't think that I will. I called my parents and they were awesome and understanding and said "don't do it if you don't want to."

I bought groceries. I applied to a few jobs.

I went to Yoga and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!---------------------I talked to Steve (because my 1 month trial is up in 5 days), and he said that there was one position left for the work/study and guess what beautiful people---------------I got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT WOOT

That means that in exchange for 4hours a week (on Wednesday evenings), I will be receiving unlimited yoga for free! Free!!! Fucking FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! :) This really made my day, because without their workstudy thing, I would have had to stop doing this strange sweaty activity that is making me a better, more balanced individual. Unlimited yoga there is is like over $100 a month. So I am beyond stocked... and......

I was on the phone with the fam and jokingly said "Now that I am unemployed maybe I could stay longer around Thanksgiving (b/c I have been missing home)." - and I thought they would say "no you should be looking for jobs," but instead they were like "yeah you should look into changing your flight, we would love to see you (b/c they love me). So I called United after I got off the phone and they aren't even charging me to change flights, but reimbursing me $26 because I moved my flight to days further around Thanksgiving. So Yeah!!! I am going home for a week around Thanksgiving which is awesome. I will be in Seattle the 18th - 26th, which means I will eat, and drink, and go to our cabin in the woods, and see Kwasi, and Wing and Woody, and Woody's puppy, and my puppies, and the best thing since fried plantains Ms. Meghan Bright.

OBAMA LOVE

Awww... relief that Meghan and I won't be plotting our escape to Canada.

Last night watching the emotional news I almost cried. All I could think about was how it must feel to be an African American watching Obama's victory speech. They showed a clip of Oprah in the crowd teary eyed. It was all so emotional and exciting.

PROP 8 passed which fucking sucks. I say take away marriage rights for everyone!!!! No marriage at all.

I guess Prop 4 did not pass!!! YEAH!!! Teen rights to get abortions

And PROP 2 Passed YEAH!!!!!!!!! Room for farm animals!!!!!!



I don't know about all the other ones, I need to look them up.

Random slightly drunken ramblings

Sunday was considerably better than Saturday night. Sunday I went to yoga and then I made Lassagna at a friends house and watched Lost in Translation with him.

But the rain is still pouring. Today it poured all day and I didn't do much of anything. I woke up at 9:00. Ruby and Jaslo were in the kitchen. They talked about Prozac.

I applied to a few jobs, I fucked around on facebook. At around 1:30 I got dressed and went to the post office to get stamps to mail my appeal for unemployment, my request to withdraw my 403 B, something for my Peace Corps application, and my mail in ballot. Since I went to the Post Office in Chinatown I bought $3 worth of Dim Sum (4 shrimp dumplings, 1 red bean humbow, and a sesame ball) because it is so cheap and so delicious. I walked back in the pouring rain.

I wanted to ride my bike to yoga but it has been raining so hard, that I can't get motivated to do so. I don't really want to ride in the rain and fuck up my gears.

Now I am sitting in the livingroom. I can hear the rain in the background. I have had 2 gin and tonics (left over from Halloween), and I am kind of tipsy and it is only 4:30 and I should be going to the gym or stimulating my mind.

A guy called me today and scheduled an interview with me for Wednesday to work part time with at-risk youth. It might be cool. I am excited that someone actually responded to my email. I bet I have sent out 50-100 resumes in the past 2 weeks. Economic downturn you are kind of a bitch aren't you?

I am listening to Bon Iver again. All this rain reminds me of Olympia, Washington, and Woodrow, and sitting in my clawfoot bathtub while reading for class.

CRY WHEN IT RAINS

Halloween I drank too much and I threw up in the street. It is hard for me to remember the last time I threw up from alcohol. I think the last time was probably in college. I felt stupid. Kelly was there and she was reassuring and sweet. The highlight of the evening for me was riding in Wayne's van which we stuffed 12 people into. My costume fell apart slowly but surely throughout the evening. I spent too much money and time on that costume.

I woke up this morning hungover.

Today Dan and Tim and I hung out. It poured most of the day. We ate Thai food then went to Tim's house in Walnut Creek where we played rock band and watched two movies back to back. It was the first time I had ever played rock band, I sang and got a high score of 22%. I laughed a lot today despite a headache and sore muscles.

After Tim and Dan dropped me off at home, I hopped into the bath tub. I lit some candles, put on Bon Iver and soaked. Finally I broke down. I cried, and cried, and cried. I let go and it felt so so good. I cried partly because it is raining, partly because I am tired and hungover, partly because of the music, partly because I recieved a letter denying my unemployment benefits today, partly because I don't have a job, don't know when I will get one, don't know where I want to go, feel lost, feel unimpressive, miss my family....

I felt okay about crying. I realized that I had been trying really really really hard to tell myself and everyone around me that I am okay when in actuality I am scared shitless. I think it is okay to feel pain once in awhile, to relish in it, soak in it, let it fill you up, take you over. It is cathartic really. As long as you do it and realize that you will go to bed and wake up and tomorrow will be a new day.

Apparently Bon Iver went to live in his fathers rural cabin in Wisconsin after a breakup, and wrote the songs for his album. I want to go live in a cabin in the middle of the woods and sit by the fireplace and play the banjo and knit and raise a puppy and emerge a year later understanding me. I want to know Emilie Bright. Right now she hurts. Obviously everything is going to be okay. When was it never not?

BON IVER Lyrics to Re: Stacks :
This my excavation and today is kumran

Everything that happens is from now on

This is pouring rain

This is paralyzed



I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time

It's hard to find it when you knew it

When your money's gone

And you're drunk as hell



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace

The fountain in the front yard is rusted out

All my love was down

In a frozen ground



There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed

And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss

Whatever could it be

That has brought me to this loss?



On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load



This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Your love will be

Safe with me