I am really white I guess

I haven't written in this blog in such a long time. I was looking at the stuff white people like blog, and the new post was talking about taking a year off. It mentioned teaching English abroad. Also one of the recent posts was ugly sweater parties. Man, I fit into all of the white people categories which is kind of sad. I guess you can't escape who you are. Living at home since Dec 17th has made me realize this more and more. I see part of my parents in me which is completely frustrating. My Dad was laid off from his job at Buse Timber and Sales where he worked for 25 years, a couple of weeks ago. I basically wrote his resume and cover letter for him. he gets frustrated easily and tends to give up when he enters into new territory that he isn't familiar with. I think I take the easy way out sometimes when I am frustrated as well.

On the 6th through the 9th, Kelly, Dan and Tim are going to visit for the weekend for my going away party!!!!! It will be marvelous. I miss my San Francisco peeps.

The days creep by. I have my Visa, now I am waiting to hear back about my plane ticket. I believe I will be leaving the 14th or so. I guess that leaves me about 17 more days in the United States of America.

In a half an hour Lost will be on. I have been watching entirely too much T.V., and eating way too many home baked goods. I would love to lose a few pounds.

Today it was sunny and relatively warm. I walked around Greenlake with my parents and our dogs. We didn't talk much.

SEATTLE AGAIN

A lot has happened since I last posted. I am now living at home with my parents, waiting anxiously to depart for Incheon South Korea in February. Living here is difficult.

I left San Francisco with Allan in a 10 ft Budget Truck December 16th. We almost made it to Seattle in one day, but we got caught in the snow storm at 12:30 at night. We spent the night in Centralia, WA. We left San Francisco at 7:00 that morning. Frisco flew up to Seattle and we greeted him at the airport the next day, we all bummed around for a few days. We were confined by "The great snow storm of 2008." Inches of snow kept us inside more than we would have liked.

I have been in Seattle for over 10 days, and I haven't done much. Last night I went out for a few drinks at the Cha Cha Lounge with Meghan, Mike and Kwasi. I drank more than I probably should have. It was nice to see Kwasi again, he seemed relatively okay for having recently broken up with his girlfriend. It seems like everyone's recently broken up with someone. Lucky for me, I only have myself to worry about. Yesterday my sister and I walked around Greenlake. We talked a lot about relationships. She seemed to be as pessimistic as me. The good news though is that my parents are back together.

My mom isn't watching her sugar though despite the fact that she recently learned that she is pre-diabetic. Since being in Seattle I have tried to avoid confrontation with my mother as much as possible. She drives me a little nuts with her questions, questions after questions. She watches too much T.V. Since the T.V is always on, it pulls me in. Watching awful reality T.V really depresses me. I get a little curious watching it though, because I can't really believe that people are actually like that, so shallow and so fake. It is kind of like a social experiment for me.

I have new music to listen to since I got an Itunes gift certificate for x-mas. I am happy when I have new music. Also Meghan and I exchanged some stuff when she was home.

I have been sleeping in a lot. I have been eating a lot. I have been a bit down.

The weather, living at home, being bored all have contributed to a few extra pounds on me...

I am ready to start working out again. I am ready to start feeling good again. I want to be me again.

I slept in till 2 pm today

I can't stop sleeping.

I've become someone else. 

I drink everyday.

I talked to my dad tonig t,  e said e doesn't know if ˙e will be coming ˙øme for C˙ristmas. e is tired of fig˙ting wit˙ my mom. e wants to start looking at apartments. Rig˙t now ˙e is commuting 4-5 ˙ours everyday back and fort˙ to work from my parents cabin. 

I just can't grasp t˙is. I t˙ink I am still in denial. W˙en my mom first told me t˙at t˙ey separated, it seemed like t˙ey would get over it quickly. Now it ˙as been over a week and a ˙alf and t˙ey ˙aven't talked to eac˙ ot˙er at all. I don't want to visit t˙em separately for C˙ristmas. I don't want to go ˙øme and I don't want to be ˙ere. I want to be in a cabin somew˙ere in t˙e middle of now˙ere alone. I don't want to talk to anyone. All I want to do all day is sit and watc˙ movies and be alone. 

I don't like talking to t˙em separately on t˙e p˙one. I want to call one number and reac˙ bot˙ of t˙em. 

Sorry if this is cheesy; I am feeling nostalgic.

I'm starting to get really sad about leaving. 2 years in San Francisco passed by so fast. I met so many amazing, intelligent, funny, caring, beautiful people while living here. People who challenged my beliefs and people that made me laugh so hard that I spit up food, and beer. I know I am not going to really miss the city too much, but the friends I made. Everyone of them taught me something.

San Francisco taught me a lot too. When I moved 2 years ago I was a scared, self conscious, recent college graduate with too many ideals and not enough life experience. I learned to love myself more, I learned how to get jobs and how to get fired, I learned to let things go, to live more in the moment, day by day. I cried a lot, and I laughed a lot.

I went hiking many times, skiing in Tahoe a lot, I spent a weekend at lake Tahoe in the summer, I danced in clubs, stood on rooftops, went to different beaches, tried Burmese food for the first time, learned some bay area slang, rode in critical mass, tried yoga, had dinner parties with friends, went white water rafting, stood on top of Mount Tam, visited Santa Cruz, went wine tasting, tried some delicious beer from local breweries, had one night stands, learned I don't like one night stands, went to crazy parties, threw crazy parties, and got my heart broken a couple of times.

I am going to miss good Mexican food, redwoods, and warm weather in November.

UPDATE

My life feels like it is changing so drastically, so quickly. It isn't really, it is just that my mind is so full, that I don't have room and space to think.

I was offered a contract to teach English in South Korea, leaving January 9th. I had two days to make my decision. On Sunday, I finally decided to call my recruiter and ask her how likely it would be that I could get other contracts (with later start dates). I was feeling overwhelmed because I am moving all of my stuff back to Seattle December 17th. To turn around and leave for Korea on the 9th seemed so sudden. My mother also stated that she wanted to spend more time with me before I leave for a year. My recruiter was gracious and said that she understood and believed that it would be easy for me to get another contract to leave in February.

This morning, I got an email from my recruiter. She said that the school I interviewed with was very impressed by me and would still like me to come even if it is at the end of January. So it looks as though I will be leaving for Korea the last week of January. :)

I am waiting for the confirmation email, then I will email all my paperwork to the school in Korea so I can get my visa.

So yea. I am renting a truck, and Allan and I will be driving up to Seattle with all of my stuff. Frisco is flying into Seattle the 18th. Frisco, Allan, and I are going to chill in Seattle for 6 days, then Allan is flying back to SF. Then Allan wants to fly back up to Seattle again with his new girlfriend who is visiting so that I can meet her. - hhhmmm... she better not act a fool, or I will tell my b.f.f. that I do not approve.

MOM

I fought with my mom nonstop. Our conversations consisted on yelling, yelling, some screaming, a lot of crying.

This is kind of what they looked like:

Me "You have been depressed for years, you can't blame 25 years of unhappy marriage on dad alone, dad is trying so give him a break."

Mom "You don't know what I have been through, you are selfish, spoiled, self righteous, you have authority issues that will haunt you for the rest of your life, you take the easy way out, and you have anger management issues" 

Me "Where do you think I learned to deal with my anger from,? Children mimic what their parents teach them."

Okay so that script was boiled down, but we argued back and forth about those things for several days, and we are still arguing. 

I am so sick of my mom right now and how manipulative she can be, she is kind of nuts and I don't want to be pulled into her dramatic bullshit. 

I told her she has been playing the victim card for too long and that she needs to snap out of it. I don't think she took that lightly. FuCKINGF  SICK OF IT

It is weird to t˙ink t˙at tomorrow I will be in my ˙omeland. T˙e state w˙ere I spent 22 years. T˙e ˙ouse w˙ere I lived for 18. A s˙ort plane ride and all of a sudden you are in t˙e past, and everyt˙ing you do and everyw˙ere you go lies nostalga.

I talked to Wing last nig˙t on t˙e p˙one for a long long time. I am excited to see ˙er tomorrow nig˙t.

I ˙åve been depressed. Going ˙øme will refres˙ me ˙opefully. Last nig˙t Wing was talking about ˙øw s˙e wants me to move back. I ˙åve been t˙inking about it; t˙ere are a lot of t˙ings t˙at I miss. If I left I imagine t˙ere would be a lot of t˙ings t˙at I would miss about t˙e Bay Area as well.

Somet˙ing kind of bizaree ˙appened to me today. I t˙øug˙t I really want my official transcipts because I ordered t˙em a week or two ago and I need t˙em to apply for Sout˙ Korea, so I kept t˙inking to myself: t˙ey are going to come today, t˙ey are going to come in t˙e mail today, and as I ˙ad wis˙ed- t˙ey did. So now I guess I ˙åve most of t˙e basic stuff t˙åt I need to get a Visa... I emailed my recruiter, I mig˙t need a few more t˙ings, I dunno.

Yoga today was ˙ard, because I ˙adn't gone in a few days.

Depression is weird, not˙ing really excites me anymore. I feel immune. W˙en people talk I can't really concentrate on w˙at t˙ey are saying.